Writings

In an interview on ABC’s “Nightline,” President Obama says that he has gone from praying nightly before bed to praying all the time.  "Ditto", said Mets fans.  

Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall – a religious place where people can leave their prayers – now has its own Twitter page where people can tweet their prayers that will be printed out and taken to the wall.  In a related story, in lieu of Baptisms, Christians will now just ask God to be their Facebook friend.  

A toy company in Japan has invented a device that can translate dogs’ barking into words – by detecting sadness, joy, alertness, neediness, and frustration.  They also made one for cats that detects smugness, smugness, smugness, and apathy. 

President Obama’s primetime press conference on Wednesday marked his 10th extended news conference, after just six months in office.  Experts say at this rate, the word "hope" will be completely diluted by August.  

A new study suggests that before babies can talk, they can understand dog’s emotions.  Which is why their first words these days are usually, "Michael Vick's an asshole."

The Cook glacier – one of the largest glaciers in the southern hemisphere – shrunk by 20% in 40 years.  But to be fair, half of that ice was used in drinks for David Hasselhoff. 

Mets manager Jerry Manuel's job is reportedly safe.  So he'll be better able to finance his vacation in October.

In a new reality show, Shaquille O'Neal will face off against athletes in sports he doesn't play.  He got the idea after watching the Lions try their hand at football. 

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of people 65 and older will hit 1.3 billion by the year 2040.  And half of them will be dating Ashton Kutcher. 

An animal trainer in New York says she taught her dog to read 250 words by using simple commands.  Now he has a big enough vocabulary to be a city cab driver.

In India’s first mission to the moon, the Chandrayaan-1 has experienced a malfunction to its “vital star sensor”.   So space control called each other for tech support.

Hillary Clinton rejected rumors that she has a smaller role as Secretary of State, telling reporters that she broke her elbow, not her voice box.  In other words, Bill's voodoo doll is broken. 

A Starbucks store in Seattle will begin selling wine and beer.  Cups will now be sized "Tall", "Grande", and "Paula Abdul".  

The mayor of Durham, North Carolina has proclaimed Friday July 17 an official day of happiness.  To make sure residents comply, they will not be allowed to look at their IRA statements. 

The above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. 

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