Writings

 

The Obama administration announced they will distribute his high profile foreign speeches by using text messages, social networking sites and bike messengers.  Basically every reliable mode of delivery available, which is anything besides his pitching arm. 

The President's first pitch before the All Star Game was way out of the strike zone and fell just short of home plate.  What's not surprising, however, is that he got a contract offer to pitch for the Mets. 

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor admitted that her "wise Latina" comment was a bad choice of words.  She explained that she made the comment just after reading the book "How to Choose Your Words" by Joe Biden.

Sotomayor’s two nephews fell asleep during her Supreme Court confirmation hearing on Monday.  But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. 

Sarah Palin said she is open to campaigning for Democrats who share her views on limited government.  Like "only serving half your term" type of limited government. 

Bill Clinton recently revealed that he supports same-sex marriage – even though he opposed it during his presidency.  Yeah, I'd say he pretty much ruined his chances of using that "sanctity of marriage" argument. 

Jada Pinkett Smith – Will Smith’s wife – said in an interview with “Shape” magazine that she and Will had sex in a limo on the way to the Academy Awards this year.  And don't tell Will, but she said that based on her performance, she should be up for Best Actress, if you know what I mean. 

Google had to close one of its offices in India for two days after an employee tested positive for swine flu.  The man originally said he had a head cold, but then the head of Google said, "Did you mean….swine flu?!"

NASA plans to release digitally remastered footage of the moon landing to celebrate its 40th anniversary.  If viewers miss seeing the crusty, cratered surface, they're being told to just watch Larry King in high-def.

A new survey finds that 20% of executives say a single typo on a resume or cover letter could cost a potential employee a job.  Just ask recent college graduate and job seeker "Gary Bocksucker".

Pope Benedict watched the new Harry Potter movie and since it makes clear that good will triumph over evil, he gave it his blessing.  Then, he offered to hear Confession from Bruno. 

Oscar Mayer died in Wisconsin last week at the age of 95.  He told people he was 75, but he was full of baloney.

More than 500 people gathered yesterday at a nudist camp in California to set a Guinness record for the world’s largest skinny dip.  Since it was almost 100 degrees, they also set the record for the world's largest weenie roast.

Brett Favre threw passes this week to a high school team.  No word yet on why he was training with the Lions. 

The New York Mets manager Jerry Manuel said he used the All Star break to address some of the team's concerns.  He would have addressed all of them, but the break is only three days long. 

The above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and were submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. 

 

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