Writings

Michael Jackson's memorial service was held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.  His  lawyers will now try to settle his estate by pressing an "Easy" button.

Sources say that Michael Jackson showed signs of IV drug use.  Sure enough, he had marks on his arm, syringes in his house, and in the past year, he tripled his home run total. 

Governor Sarah Palin resigned.  Unfortunately for South Carolinians, Alaska is not accepting nominations to replace her.

Many of Governor Palin's supporters were shocked at her sudden, abrupt decision.  But let's face it…she named her kids "Bristol" and "Willow", so it's not like she's got a knack for thinking things through. 

Joe Biden told America that health care reform is coming.  He said you'll know it's here when the government grabs you by the balls but doesn't ask you to cough. 

The recession is causing a surge in the number of sperm donors.  In a related story, scientists now say that recessions may cause blindness.

A runway at JFK airport was shut down Wednesday morning after 78 turtles crawled onto the tarmac.  So let's recap:  Geese taking down jets, turtles shutting down runways, pigs spreading the flu…I'm starting to think Old MacDonald is a terrorist.  

A video has surfaced on youtube showing a replica of the Statue of Liberty getting decapitated.  Even more demeaning, it shows a bald eagle taking Rogaine.

(Editor's note:  No level-headed American is going to overreact to that video footage, but if someone posts anything featuring an image of Mohammed, sit back and watch the chaos unfold.  Ridunkulous.  Okay, back to the jokey.)

Some airlines may start selling standing-room tickets.  They got the idea when passengers said, "We don't have to sit here and take this crap!"

Thousands of protesters in Iran were fired on with tear gas.  Well, it was normal gas, but it made them cry because it came with the news that "The Bachelor" was being renewed. 

American Joey Chestnut won another hot dog eating championship on July 4th.  So take that and your soccer title, Brazil!

St. Louis is preparing to host the Major League Baseball All-Star Game next week.  In fact, the city gave the Arch a giant asterisk. 

Colorado pitcher Jason Marquis scored his 11th victory in a win over the Nationals.  The news was announced the night before when the media heard he was pitching against the Nationals.

82-year-old Detroit Lions Hall of Famer Leo Creekmur passed away.  Too bad, since the Lions were just about to offer him a new contract. 

The above sports-related jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute.  Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is currently on hiatus til July 13. 

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