Writings

President Obama took back his invitation to Iranian diplomats to attend Fourth of July celebrations in Washington, D.C.  To enact poetic justice, he only took back the invitation after allowing them to vote on it.

A newspaper in South Carolina released e-mails between Governor Mark Sanford and his Argentinean Mistress, in which he writes that he loves her tan lines and her erotic beauty.  In another email, his wife asks Elizabeth Edwards, "Remind me again…how much did you get for that book?"

This week, Mark Sanford met with his wife for the first time since admitting his affair.  She thinks someone else wrote his apology, though, because although he admitted to cheating, he said he should still be voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club.  But to be fair to the club, she replaced herself with Adam Lambert.

The Oscars, in an attempt to boost television ratings, announced they will now nominate 10 films for Best Picture instead of 5. But to really get people to watch, whenever someone goes over their allotted speech time, they'll get punched by Chris Brown.

Japan released the final footage shot by its satellite right before it crashed into the dark side of the moon.  Well that's what they say it is, but it's actually a close up of that Japanese guy eating hot dogs real fast.

Film critics are saying that two of the robots – Skids and Mudflap – in the new Transformers movie portray urban black stereotypes.  For example, they go faster and have much bigger tailpipes.

Singer George Michael turned 46 Thursday, and he celebrated by blowing out birthday candles.  With him was his date, some guy named Birthday Candles.

A church in Connecticut is under fire for performing an exorcism on a boy to drive out “homosexual demons.”  They said they were only trying to take out a few of the demons to get some professional help in re-decorating the church.

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager, Polo Molina, for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto.  Perez should have seen the punch coming.  After all, the band isn't called the "Let's Talk This Out Like Adults Peas".  

A program in North Carolina is paying teenage girls $1 a day to not get pregnant – and to raise money for their education.  Teenagers are excited, because that's like over a thousand bucks a year!

Archaeologists in Germany have discovered a prehistoric flute made from bird bones that is more than 35,000 years old.  What's even more remarkable, they also discovered the fossils of a prehistoric cheerleader ignoring a prehistoric classmate playing a prehistoric tuba.

This week in 1664 – The colony of New Jersey was founded.  Also this week in 1664, the Polo cologne and hairspray industries were saved from collapsing.

Jon and Kate Gosselin – of Jon & Kate Plus 8 –  have filed for divorce.  But to make it fun, they decided to divide up the kids like picking teams in gym class.

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa won his 2,500th game.  He admitted that he would never have reached that pinnacle if it weren't for his parents. Oh, and the Nationals.

The above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and were submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

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