Writings

Political analysts say that the election in Iran is more Western than we think.  For example, voters are passionate, people are debating, and Dennis Kucinich finished dead last.

Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatullah Ali Khamenei, said there was no fraud in his nation's election.  But he did accidentally refer to Iran as "Florida", so that was weird.  

The House of Representatives once again rejected President Obama’s plans to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay.  They even showed him how to effectively water board a housefly. 

PETA is upset that President Obama is seen in a TV interview swatting an annoying fly.  A White House spokesman said that in defense of the President, he thought it was Joe Biden.

President Obama said he wants America to boast better fathers.  Furthermore, if a family lacks effective leadership, that man will be fired and replaced by the government.

John McCain said on his Twitter feed Monday that he is buying a 2010 Ford Fusion Hybrid.  He really likes how the trunk is so big, it can carry all his baggage from Alaska. 

An appeals court in California ordered Exxon Mobil to pay more than $500 million in damages to Alaska natives harmed by the Valdez oil spill of 1989.  And if they try to drive off without paying, they will lose their license. 

The Senate passed a resolution on Thursday apologizing for slavery and racial segregation in the U.S.  But no regrets for Vanilla Ice????  Injustice!

China held its first ever Gay Pride Festival over the weekend.  All who attended said it was "Faaabu-rrous!"

China has quarantined a group of California students after they were exposed to swine flu.  So to be fair, California quarantined a group of Chinese students after they were exposed to bankruptcy.

A new study finds that only 17% of U.S. charter schools post better math scores than their traditional public school counterparts.  But a spokesperson for charter schools did say that their English were way more better.

“The Hulk” star Lou Ferrigno is working as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer for his upcoming concert series in London.  Lesson number one:  from now on, "bi" is short for bicep.

The maker of Dungeons & Dragons is suing 8 people who published the game’s newest handbook on the Internet before it was released.  To make his case, he plans to consult a lawyer, the copyright office, and a pair of 36-sided dice.

“Mission: Impossible IV” is in pre-production, and will be released in 2011.  It's going to be the most impossible mission to date, because in it, Tom Cruise tries to get people to turn their cell phones off in the theatre.

Researchers at the University of California discovered that gay behavior can be found in almost all species in the animal kingdom.  Which explains why The Lion King has lasted so long on Broadway. 

Researchers at the University of California have found that male hummingbirds trying to impress females can fly faster than a fighter jet.  But if they really want to get the chicks, they just form a band. 

A new study finds that Krispy Kreme and Sbarro may hit bankruptcy.  The government could easily save them all, either with a bailout or simply by legalizing pot.  

Jon Rubinstein – the computer engineer credited with building the iPod – has been named CEO of Palm.  They were going to give the job to the guy who created Twitter, but his resume stopped after just 140 words. 

NASA will delay the next shuttle launch to July.  Until then, they want to strengthen their boosters by talking with Sammy Sosa's dealer.

Sammy Sosa allegedly took steroids.  If the accusations are proven true, the Cubs will have to forfeit their championsh…oh, right, never mind. 

Chicago wants to host the Olympics in 2016.  And they want Steve Bartman to have a front row seat during the javelin event. 

  

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

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