Writings

In an effort to raise awareness for breast cancer on Mother's Day, many Major League Baseball players will use pink bats.  And to raise awareness for steroid abuse, they'll use tiny, shriveled balls. 

Quarterback Brett Favre said this week that he may not stay retired.  Because when you think Brett Favre, you think of at least one broken record. 

Two racy lingerie photos of Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean have appeared online, and many of her supporters believe it's all an attempt to scrutinize her opinion of gay marriage.  Others believe it's a really clever ploy to convert Perez Hilton. 

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago.  In case you haven't seen it, here it is:  Mr. Pibb + PhD.

A new management team has been put in charge of reviving MySpace, whose popularity has been declining as Facebook's has risen.  Their new slogan: "MySpace.  Now safer than craigslist!"

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant.  Fans of Wolverine called it "life imitating art";  fans of Star Trek called it "a double blind date". 

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Tuesday that it is time for a debate on whether to legalize marijuana.  He came to the idea after his buddies finally showed him how much cooler Conan the Barbarian is if you watch it while listening to "Dark Side of the Moon". 

Two people in Alaska will split a jackpot of nearly 284,000 dollars after guessing the exact minute that the ice on the Tanana River would break apart.  Said the winners, "Man, we really need a casino."

President Obama and Vice President Biden on Tuesday had their weekly lunch meeting at a hamburger restaurant in Rosslyn, Virginia.  They got the idea after asking America if they want their national debt super sized. 

Susan Boyle's performance on "Britain's Got Talent" has become the number 5 most watched viral Internet video of all time.  And if it weren't for all those American frat boys getting hit in the groin on camera, she'd be number 1. 

According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country.  Which should come as no surprise because they really love watching soccer.

The New Orleans Saints released two players for exposing themselves to women in a parking lot.  As opposed to the Detroit Lions, who choose to wait until taking the field to show their ass.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

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