Writings

Michael Phelps is denying rumors that he's dating controversial pageant contestant Miss California.  But confirmed reports that Perez Hilton paid him handsomely for his Speedos. 

A new device may help brain-dead people post messages online.  It's great news for fans of "America's Next Top Model" who really want a Twitter account. 

Fox News is criticizing Washingtonian Magazine for changing the color of Barack Obama's bathing suit in a recent photo.  And MSNBC is criticizing them for unethically Photoshopping away the President's halo. 

Administrative Assistant Day was Wednesday.  Or as Bill Clinton called it, "Two Different Kinds of Hump Day". 

Fidel Castro said that Barack Obama misunderstood Raul Castro regarding future relations between Cuba and the U.S.  To avoid any confusion from now on, Raul will put his statements on a teleprompter.

On Earth Day, President Obama touted the benefits of wind energy.  To demonstrate how to use it, he continued to blow a lot of hot air about hope. 

Scientists have found two planets that are very similar to Earth.  Amazingly, they're the same size, have similar chemical makeup, and Paris Hilton thinks they both revolve around her. 

Earth Day was celebrated across the country Wednesday.  Ironically, supporters of Earth Day emitted twice the amount of carbon dioxide into the air by talking every second about how it was Earth Day. 

A woman in Michigan avoided serious harm when the underwire of her bra deflected a bullet.  Now Miss California knows what to wear on her upcoming trip to San Francisco.

President Obama said it was time to release information detailing abuse and torture.  And with that, he unveiled the names and addresses of all of those who operate the Washington Nationals. 

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar may expand the limits of the Endangered Species list.  Because General Motors, Mets fans, and fiscally responsible politicians will soon have to be listed somewhere.

It was revealed that U.S. pharmaceutical companies have released 271 million pounds of drugs into waterways that provide drinking water.  In a related story, the house that sits between Merck and Astra Zeneca was just purchased by Amy Winehouse.

Twenty one horses mysteriously died before a polo match in Florida.  To be clear, Polo didn't kill them, unless they walked through a mall in New Jersey. 

Prep basketball star Jeremy Tyler will drop out of high school to play in Europe.  And with that penchant for quitting early, he's a shoe in to go to France. 

The NBA Playoffs started this weekend.  And as per tradition, they kicked off with the ceremonial clearing out of the Knicks lockers. 

Bruins defenseman Matt Hunwick had his spleen removed.  It's the first time Boston has experienced a sudden organ removal since its heart was ripped out by Bill Buckner.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

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