Writings

At the Westminster Dog Show this week, a ten-year-old Sussex spaniel won Best in Show.  The pooch, who is 70 in dog years, attributed his success to experience, work ethic, and not running with Sarah Palin. 

The bomb squad in Portland, Oregon this week blew up a science project. Raising concerns that some government agencies may still be operating under the Bush Administration. 

Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House news conference.  And the 44th president to get a call from Barbara Walters. 

It was reported that at the same party where Michael Phelps was photographed smoking marijuana, he also lost quite a lot by gambling on the drinking game beer pong.  So to be fair to the record books, the new owner of eight gold medals . . . Frat Boy Tank O'Callahan. 

On the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, a new poll shows that 63 percent of the country does not believe in the theory of natural selection.  Like good Americans, they believe that survival of the fittest is based totally on call-in votes. 

A hardline Hindu organization in New Delhi is planning to launch a soft drink made from cow urine. They were going to make a pie out of bull crap, but stopped after getting a cease and desist letter from Rod Blagojevich. 

The White House's plan to help the economy was criticized for being too vague.  The administration didn't help their cause when they proceeded to ask Congress for an "assload of money".

Last week, while on a goodwill trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek felt bad for another woman's hungry baby boy and nursed him. Your move, Angelina.

Joe Biden promised a new tone in America's foreign affairs.  For example, he'll try to sound less nasally and more pronounced when he visits San Antonio, Miami, and East Los Angeles. 

The woman who birthed octuplets identified the fertility clinic that helped her conceive all 14 of her children.  It's called "The NBA". 

Christian Bale has apologized for his well publicized temper tantrum.  And for channeling Marge Simpson's sisters when he does the Batman voice. 

Yankee star Alex Rodriguez confirmed suspicions that he used performance-enhancing drugs for three years.  And he confirmed suspicions that his prescriptions routinely expired just before the playoffs. 

Many fans are now calling A-Rod the nickname "A-Roid".  Then Joe Torre noted that in his book, the words "roid" and "hole" are synonyms. 

Minnesota Timberwolves center Al Jefferson is done for the season with a torn ACL.  The rest of the team is done for the season because, well, they're the Timberwolves. 

The Cleveland Cavaliers lost their first home game.  They did it to get the city ready for the upcoming season of Indians baseball. 

*Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

**To listen to these weekly topical jokes in podcast form, which come with additional commentary, subscribe at keithcomedy.com 

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