Writings

Joe Torre said he's shocked at the outcry over his new book "The Yankee Years".  Especially the part about US Air flight 1549 crashing in the Hudson after hitting A-Rod's giant ego. 

Tampa police said they kicked out 18 people from the stands during the Super Bowl.  And they left the stadium untouched, because the gates were guarded by Arizona's fourth quarter defense. 

A man named Super Squibb won Philadelphia's Wing Bowl on Sunday by eating 203 chicken wings in about 20 minutes. He later admitted that the secret to his championship eating is the Michael Phelps bong hit training method. 

Michael Phelps admitted that a photo of him smoking pot was indeed authentic.  But his smile . . . all roids. 

President Obama watched the Super Bowl with 11 Democrats and 4 Republicans. And they all agreed…the eTrade babies made the most adorable negative ad. 

It was determined this week that winter will continue another six weeks after Rod Blagojevich's hair saw its shadow.  

President Obama said in an interview that he has not had a single cigarette on the White House grounds. But he has gotten drunk after inventing a drinking game where he takes a shot whenever a cabinet nominee admits to not paying taxes. 

Tuesday was the annual Run-Up the Empire State Building, in which participants race up the stairs of the skyscraper.  It had more runners than ever because it had been falsely advertised that the first one to the top got to push off Bernie Madoff.

New Life Church in South Dakota has been conducting boxing matches in a ring inside the church to help illustrate the spiritual battles faced by man.  Because when life knocks you down, God won't count you out until he gets to ten.  

Toy maker LeapFrog will soon introduce the "Text & Learn," which is shaped like a Blackberry and lets kids "text" with Scout the cartoon green puppy. To make it even more authentic, it also comes with a bluetooth to wear during gym class and a cartoon friend to neglect during lunch. 

According to new research, people are often lured into making decisions by numbers that seem bigger than they really are. In other news, there are a gajillion reasons why Scarlett Johannsen should call me. 

Officials for AC Milan said that David Beckham's lawyers are negotiating with the LA Galaxy.  They got the idea to set up a meeting of lawyers when someone challenged them to schedule something more boring than soccer.

**The above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

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