Pittsburgh and Arizona will square off in Super Bowl LXIII. The only thing that's undecided is where most of America will be when they don't watch that game.
Arizona is still celebrating their first football championship in 61 years. And if they can do it, Detroit, so can . . . ah, never mind. I can't say that without giggling uncontrollably.
Newspapers in Washington flew off the shelves the day of the Inauguration. Because "Marmaduke" was hilarious!!!
Seventy-five percent of Americans are optimistic that Barack Obama will do a good job. Then again, most Americans are keeping "The Hills" on the air. So what do they know?
At his inauguration, Barack Obama told people that anything is possible in America. Then everyone heard a ten minute rebuttal from Ralph Nader.
Dennis Blair, the incoming director of national intelligence, said that torture will be a thing of the past. So goodbye, Clay Aiken.
In the movie, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", the main character ages backwards. He looks extremely old at the beginning, because he's shown playing quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.
Microsoft announced that it will cut 5,000 jobs. Employees will get the news when a cartoon paper clip pops up on their screens saying, "It looks like you're fired."
The Taliban reportedly wants to put an end to music on Pakistan buses. And if you ever heard Pakistan bus music, you wouldn't blame them.
The Vatican announced that the Pope will have his own channel on Google. He'll focus on getting Jesus off the results list when people type a search for "Barack Obama".
With President Bush leaving office, many people want funding to stop for abstinence-only initiatives. In other words, the government may kill the Jonas Brothers.
Tony Romo said that he's going to take a more active approach in making the Cowboys winners next season. In other words, he's quitting.
Mark McGwire's brother says that the slugger did in fact use steroids and HGH. Meanwhile, the Canseco brothers were unavailable for comment because the area's mall cops had yesterday off.
New York is set to tear down Shea Stadium. The implosion will inevitably take place when the Mets show up again.
New York point guard Stephon Marbury may play basketball in Greece. Greek officials said they got the idea when they looked at the Parthenon, saw an old, crumbling structure that used to be great, and immediately thought of the Knicks.
Most of the above are now a part of the Complete Sheet and National Lampoon's Sports Minute.