Writings

Arne Duncan, Barack Obama's nominee for US Education Secretary, said at a Senate confirmation hearing Tuesday that he would like longer school days, Saturday school and summer school.  Teenagers around the country call it "Change We Believe Can Suck It". 

During Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing Tuesday, Senator John Kerry offered Chelsea Clinton, who was sitting behind her mother, a chance to join the Senators as an intern for a day.  Because that job title certainly wouldn't conjure up bad memories for the Clintons.  

A man in England says he has finally solved his Rubik's Cube after trying for 26 years.  Unfortunately, however, his wife moon-walked out on him 15 years ago. 

The director who created the Broadway hit "Hair" died this week at the age of 84.  He was found in the bathroom, clogged in the drain.

Police in Italy finally nabbed a high-profile mafia fugitive who had escaped them through a city sewer system.  When he emerged, however, he was so slimy and greasy, they demoted him to "New Jersey guido". 

The mayor of Pittsburgh is changing his name from Luke Ravenstahll to Luke Steelerstahll in honor of the AFC Championship game against Baltimore this weekend.  In a related story, lions across America are killing themselves. 

Punch line #2: In a similar move, Disney is re-releasing "Remember the Titans" under the new title "Remember the Three Red Zone Turnovers". 

A man in Texas who was expecting a shipment of tools was surprised when he received a 30 pound brick of marijuana.  The mistake came when he thought he ordered from Home Depot but instead ordered from Home de Pot.

Osama bin Laden is ordering a jihad against Israel.  Leading authorities to suspect he's in Hollywood, because apparently even bin Laden is out of fresh ideas. 

Wildlife officials in Florida said that a rhesus monkey, who is known to throw feces when he is mad, is on the loose in Tampa Bay.  And they warn that if he sees what the Yankees are charging for spring training tickets, watch out. 

It was reported this week that the salmonella bacteria that has sickened more than 400 people in 43 states has been conclusively linked to peanut butter.  Authorities drew the conclusion when they saw footage of a violently vomiting Peter Pan. 

Jim Rice finally got voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.  The wait was so painfully long, most people thought he played soccer. 

Federal officials said that there are no credible threats for the upcoming Super Bowl.  There was the possibility that the stadium could dramatically implode, but the Giants have been eliminated. 

Baseball authorized 8% of its players to take drugs for attention deficit disorder.  And 100% of people who watch the Pirates.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. 

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