Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich returned to work Wednesday despite being arrested on Tuesday. He explained his commitment to his work by saying, "That Senate seat ain't gonna sell itself!"
FBI wiretaps of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich reveal that he repeatedly used extremely foul language. In his defense, most of those wiretaps were taken when he was watching a Cubs game.
The Jonas Brothers and Lionel Richie will ring in the new year on ABC. So get ready to party, America!
The Jonas Brothers will help ring in the new year on ABC. The countdown will end when their balls drop.
In an effort to overturn California's Proposition 8, same-sex marriage supporters urged people to skip work by "calling in gay" on Wednesday as part of "Day Without a Gay". Some gay advocates were actually opposed to the plan, mainly because they had non-refundable tickets to Broadway.
A woman in Los Angeles who is desperate for work has been wearing a T-shirt with her resume printed on it. Chances are slim that it will help, however, because when potential employers stare at it too long, she files for sexual harassment.
Two men in Michigan stole a tractor trailer that contained over 1400 pairs of shoes. Authorities are calling them "fugitive thieves", but the rest of America calls them "the most p-whipped husbands ever".
After making numerous imprints of his naked rear-end on various windows, a man in Nebraska earned himself not only the nickname "Butt Bandit", but also a year in jail. Where he'll soon discover that his cellmate already owns that title.
It was announced that Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove will be auctioned off next week. Just in time for that person in your life who wants something really creepy for Christmas.
A Santa Claus in New Jersey was bitten and clawed by a bobcat after a woman brought in the animal to get its picture taken. In a similar development, the teenage boys working as elves got totally mauled by a pack of drunk cougars.
Police in Iran arrested 49 people for wearing what they called "satanic clothing". Iran has Oakland Raider fans? That's odd.
Alabama lost the SEC Championship in Atlanta on Saturday. Bama fans were so distraught, they're now referring to the Georgia Dome as "Appomattox Courthouse".
The coaches of all three Heisman finalists said they hope that success doesn't come with negative baggage for the star players. Which is a nice way of saying that they hope they don't get drafted by Detroit.
Brett Favre said he expects the Jets to make the playoffs. But then he said he expects to retire soon, so who knows.
The New York Giants have refused to pay $1 million of Plaxico Burress's signing bonus. In other words, the bookkeeper put his ballpoint pen on "safety".
The Kings defeated the Lakers this week. It was the most surprising beating involving Los Angeles that didn't include the LAPD.
The chairman of the Chicago Cubs said he expects the team to be sold by spring training. Unless Steve Bartman snags the paperwork away and ruins everything.
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison. It took so long for true justice to be served, the courts are now being run by the BCS.
The New York Giants won the NFC East division. They celebrated by dumping Gatorade on Plaxico's smoldering leg.
Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update".