Writings

People in Peru on Monday offered to send the Obamas their country's national dog, a breed which is hypoallergenic, bald and toothless.  Because if any dog needs hope, it's this one.

Bill Cosby this week dismissed the theory that his hit 80s show "The Cosby Show" helped Barack Obama win the election, saying that voters picked Obama for his own family, and not for a TV one.  But then Joe Biden replied, "Whatchu talking about, Willis?"

MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough apologized on Monday for using the F-word during his show "Morning Joe".  He said he learned a valuable lesson, and will no longer check his stock portfolio on national television.

Starting this week, the New Jersey Nets will try to help their unemployed fans by allowing them to attend games for free if they send in their resumes, which the team will forward to their sponsors.  Meanwhile, the New York Knicks will help their unemployed fans by asking them to play on the team. 

At the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Israel, a brawl erupted between monks. The amazing part of the whole thing . . . it was all done in complete silence. 

The mayor of Batman, a small town in Turkey, is suing Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan and Warner Brothers for using the city's name without permission.  Meanwhile, the president of Turkey is suing every kid who has ever made an unauthorized tracing of their hand at Thanksgiving time.

A new study shows that the airline industry's on-time performance improved dramatically in September.  Unfortunately, those findings were from 2005, but the luggage they were in just got here. 

Daniel Craig, the current star of the James Bond movies, said that he thinks the world is ready for a black 007. But the Bond girls said that will only happen if they change the title to 007 ½ – 10.

In an interview with CNN, President Bush says that on the day he leaves office, he will be going from "100 MPH to near zero overnight."  And he'll be sure to stay in the left lane, making it a long time before the rest of the Republican party passes him.

Hurricane Paloma reeked havoc through Cuba.  It even would have ripped doors off their hinges if the Cubans hadn't already done that to make rafts. 

A spokesperson for Microsoft said there is no interest at all in buying Yahoo.  Microsoft Word now recognizes the term "buying Yahoo" as a synonym for "fixing Vista".

Buddhists are flocking to Nepal to meet a boy who many say is a reincarnation of Buddha himself.  You see that, world?  America hasn't cornered the market on fat kids.  

The woman who Kansas City running back Larry Johnson assaulted said she has suffered extreme mental anguish.  Especially because he tried to settle the case by offering her Chiefs tickets.

Most of the above are now a part of the Complete Sheet, National Lampoon's Sports Minute, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

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