Writings

Testifying before the Senate Banking Committee on Tuesday, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said, "I share the outrage that people have.  It's embarrassing to look at this, and I think it's embarrassing to the United States of America." Then he said, "But enough about David Blaine. Let's talk economics."

In this week's issue of People Magazine, Clay Aiken confirms that he is gay. Giving People Magazine the big scoop over rival "Well-Duh! Weekly". 

In an answer to the iPhone, the new G1 was unveiled on Tuesday by Google. It's the same as an iPhone, only when you booty call an old fling, it asks, "Did you mean your wife?"

The producers of ER are still "optimistic" that they can persuade George Clooney to return for the show's final episode. Optimistic because if he makes "Ocean's 14", the ER is probably where his career is heading. 

It was reported this week that a leading Saudi Arabian cleric has put out a fatwa on Mickey Mouse, declaring him an agent of Satan. He's really gonna freak out when he hears that Goofy is Jewish. 

Chinese officials said that the tainted milk crisis resulted from a lack of oversight in the dairy system.  Probably because everyone initially thought they meant "daily system". 

A handful of Notre Dame football players were arrested in South Bend on alcohol charges.  Apparently getting hammered isn't just something they do on the field.

Tina Fey lost her purse at the Emmys.  Well, she said the word "lost" while using air quotes, then looked suspiciously at Tracy Morgan. 

Days after saying the fundamentals of the economy were strong, John McCain is now saying the U.S. economy is in crisis.  He realized his mistake when he noticed the early bird special at the Golden Corral went up three bucks. 

The U.S. won back the Ryder Cup.  And as a result of their side bet, Europe now gets custody of Michelle Wie. 

*Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and (possibly) Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

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