Writings

Sarah Palin said she is honored and privileged to be named a running mate for John McCain, and she'll do her best to make Republicans proud.  And then half the crowd yelled, "Take it off!"

Sarah Palin announced that her unmarried teenage daughter Bristol is pregnant.  It was inevitable since the Palin family shares John McCain's views on pulling out. 

New Zealand reported that its annual event "Boobs on Bikes", in which topless porn stars ride motorcycles, was viewed by over 80,000 people.  Meanwhile, 80,000 wives asked why the plot didn't make sense.

Don LaFontaine, the king of voiceovers in Hollywood, has died . . . Because if the Chicago Cubs win the World Series and a black man gets elected President, God wants him to do the trailer for the upcoming Apocalypse.

Research suggests that cows have built-in compasses and know instinctively how to find north and south.  Scientists determined this when they heard that most people in Arkansas ride with a GPS unit. 

American Airlines may cut 469 airport jobs by November.  Which means when you fly home for Thanksgiving, there will be 469 fewer people to not care about finding your lost bags. 

Joe Biden said Sarah Palin has a lot of style and charisma, but no substance.  He made the remark after looking at his notes from eight months ago and writing the name "Sarah Palin" over "Barack Obama". 

Iraq has ordered a $3 billion oil deal with China.  Four billion after you factor in the tip once the delivery guy on the bike gets there. 

This year's Farm Aid concert will be broadcast in High Definition.  Just when you thought technology couldn't make Willie Nelson look any dreamier. 

Historians will digitally scan the Dead Sea Scrolls to put on the Internet.  And to avoid a writer's strike, they'll set up a residual deal with Larry King. 

The magic number for the Mets is 20.  That doesn't just represent the number of wins they need and losses from the Phillies, but it's also how many runs they need per game to keep it safe from the bullpen. 

After just one week atop the polls, Georgia is now ranked #2 with USC #1.  The Bulldog players aren't too upset, because playing leapfrog usually gets them three credits. 

The new NBA team in Oklahoma City will be called "Thunder".  All tipoffs will immediately follow Tampa Bay Lightning games. 

A-Rod became the first baseball player to have a homerun reviewed on video.  And the officials agreed . . . Madonna did not age well. 

LeBron James lost a game of "Horse" to a fan in Venice Beach.  Even more embarrassing, after competing in a game with nothing but individual shooting and no teamwork, he accidentally referred to it as "Kobe".

Most of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and Late Net with Ray Ellin.

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