Writings

BMW is recalling 200,000 cars because the airbags do not properly deploy in a crash.  They first learned of the problem when 200,000 of their cars were test driven by Shia LaBeouf. 

Airlines are charging military personnel additional fees for excess baggage.  Which is why the army is encouraging soldiers to just leave their wives at home. 

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is opening an annex in New York City.  At least that's what A-Rod told his wife when Madonna moved next door. 

Angry Hillary Clinton supporters are expected to make a lot of noise at the Democratic convention.  Mainly because in organizing the event, Denver canceled the WNBA game. 

Angelina Jolie is undecided on who to vote for.  And therefore, Brad Pitt is too. 

People are rushing to escape Georgia.  Finally!  Russians and Americans have something in common. 

Rielle Hunter is disputing rumors that John Edwards is the father of her child.  She's also disputing rumors that despite her last name, she's not married to Dog the Bounty.

A shopkeeper in Spain found a fake euro with Homer Simpson's face on it.  The most amazing part is . . . it's still worth more than the U.S. dollar.

Matthew McConaughey said he will take his new son's placenta and plant it in an orchard.  Then Tom Cruise's lawyer warned him to cease and desist what is copyrighted crazy talk.

The U.S. Women's gymnastics team faltered down the stretch to lose the gold.  It was so disappointing and ugly, Olympic officials subpoenaed Tonya Harding. 

The U.S. Women's softball team defeated Australia on a no-hitter from Cat Olsterman.  Cat was able to stay focused because the Aussies never once distracted her by wiggling a red laser pointer across the floor.

Or tried to stick scotch tape on her feet. 

The U.S. Basketball team pummeled Angola and Spain, two teams so under-qualified and overmatched, they just signed with the Knicks. 

China has taken the lead in the medal count.  But that's only because the Olympic Games now gives a medal for national anthem lip syncing. 

Michael Phelps' boisterous scream after a dramatic swim relay victory is being called the "shout heard around Beijing" . . . taking the title from the scream Al Roker let out when McDonald's cut him off. 

The U.S. Basketball team rolled to a 31-point victory over China.  Said Yao Ming, "It was such a beatdown, it felt like we were defending Tibet."

Olympic broadcasters admit that the smog in Beijing isn't much of a problem.  Their evidence is that if the athletes had problems choking, they'd be in the New York Mets bullpen. 

*Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

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