Writings

Oil prices continue to fall because demand is rapidly declining.  And yet tickets to Eddie Murphy movies remain full price.  Hmmm.

Texas officials say they dodged a major bullet this week.  Sure, Tropical Storm Edouard missed them, but they're talking about Jessica Simpson skipping Cowboys camp. 

Pakistan's ruling coalition is pressuring President Musharaff to resign or face impeachment.  He said he will try to rectify the situation.  Karl Rove, you have an incoming call.  Karl Rove, you have an incoming call. 

A new exhibit at Coney Island shows the act of waterboarding.  But if you can't make it to Coney Island to experience that level of torture, there's always New Jersey.  

The FBI says they were led to anthrax mastermind Bruce Ivins due to odd behavior, frightened acquaintances, and DNA.  So basically….thanks to Ivins' DNA, Tom Cruise was never a suspect. 

The Feds also said that Ivins was obsessed with sorority girls.  But he chose to go after them with angry letters and anthrax rather than the conventional video camera and free T-shirt. 

Archaeologists unearthed a 1,900-year-old chariot in Bulgaria.  They knew it was that old because it came with a sticker of a cartoon Brutus pissing on a Caesar. 

A GPS unit led a group of tourists to the edge of a Utah cliff, where they had to be rescued.  A spokesperson for TomTom defended the technology, saying the units are programmed to think that if someone's in Utah, they probably want to kill themselves.  

Thanks to a South Korean company, a woman received a new puppy that was cloned from her deceased pit bull.  It was so much like the original, it even whimpered in fear when someone mentioned Michael Vick. 

Lindsay Lohan is miffed at a police chief in L.A. who said that she had "gone gay".  The LAPD apologized for the remark, and then begged her to play on their co-ed softball team. 

Brett Favre is going to the New York Jets.  He said he's looking forward to it, because fans there will continue the cheesehead tradition.  Not with styrofoam swiss hats, but with great big Bon Jovi hair. 

The Packers reportedly offered Brett Favre $25 million to stay retired.  Favre refused the offer, mostly because ESPN was offering him $30 million to keep this circus a news item. 

Yao Ming will carry the Chinese flag during the opening ceremonies at the Olympics.  His teammates voted for him because he's the tallest, and therefore they can use the shelter as a smog filter. 

Morgan and Paul Hamm are now both out for the Olympics.  Well, there goes my gymnastics office pool. 

Thousands of protesters are showing up for the Olympics in China.  The U.S. Basketball team said seeing that many angry critics didn't faze them at all, because it was just like a Knicks road game. 

Carolina Panther Steve Smith started a brawl with a teammate this week.  It was such a stupid and senseless fight, Panther training camp is now being called "Rocky 5".

New York pitcher Joba Chamberlain has suffered a shoulder injury.  The Yankees are so beat up and hurt right now, they're changing their name to "Mets Fans". 

Most of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

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