Writings

Kid Rock's brawl at a Waffle House was caught on tape.  He's easy to spot in the film . . . he's the one asking for an application. 

Richard Simmons is contemplating a run for office.  In fact, he's so close to doing it, Senator Larry Craig almost removed his roommate search from craigslist.

Christian Bale is being accused of assaulting his mom and sister.  It was so uncharacteristic, they're now calling him Muslim Bale.

Barack Obama is looking hard at Baghdad and surrounding areas.  Not for ways to resolve the war, but for possible property in a much less volatile housing market. 

New reports indicate that Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe may step down.  This report, however, comes from Brett Favre, so who knows.

Tropical storm Cristobal almost hit South Carolina.  Forecasters knew it was close because every mullet in the state was pointing due west.   

John McCain was seen at a New York Yankees game with Rudy Giuliani.  But he was really there to talk with Mariano Rivera about saving his campaign. 

Barack Obama-mania is sweeping through Europe.  And to make it official, the U.S. added "liberal white guilt" to its list of exports.  

A pizza place in Ohio was recently robbed by the clerk's dad.  The odd thing is that he didn't even use a gun.  He just put her in timeout. 

Mexican troops seized a submarine stuffed with illegal drugs.  Authorities first became suspicious when it was attacked by a giant squid that looked just like Amy Winehouse. 

Mississippi has been declared the most obese state in the country.  In fact, exercise is so unpopular in Mississippi, they've renamed it "integration". 

Texas is spending millions of dollars to try and produce wind-generated electricity.  

Texas officials will harness the wind every five minutes when thousands of immigrants quickly run past them. 

Investigations are still underway about whether Brett Favre used a Packers-issued cell phone to contact the Vikings.  Chances are he didn't, because Minnesota is a whole state away, and the Packers use Sprint. 

Randy Johnson is 13-0 all time versus the Cubs.  If he humiliates the Cubs anymore, they may change his nickname to "The Playoffs". 

The U.S. Olympic basketball team is gearing up for their trip to Beijing.  And to get used to playing in a completely foreign city, they plan on asking the Miami Heat how they do it. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the National Lampoon Pop Culture Minute, The Complete Sheet, and Late Net with Ray Ellin. 

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