Writings

Gas prices have surpassed $4 a gallon.  To explain the spike, Exxon/Mobil said that it has to recoup its loss after betting on Big Brown. 

Flood waters in Indiana soaked the state last week.  Officials knew the problem was serious when John Mellencamp's new song just featured him gurgling.

Officials suspect arson in that fire at the governor's mansion in Texas.  Their reasoning . . . anything flaming in Texas can't be natural. 

Life expectancy in the U.S. has surpassed 78.  So congratulations, Wilford Brimley.  Now you have even more people to love the way you mispronounce the word "diabetes".

The Supreme Court sided with Guantanamo Bay detainees, saying they have rights.  When he heard the news, President Bush immediately changed the name of the Supreme Court to "The League of Pansy Asses". 

Massive objects that orbit the sun but are too small to be planets will now be known as "plutoids".  The new title will soon be added to text books…and Charles Barkley's business cards.

  

John McCain explained in detail how Barack Obama's policies would slow the economy.  But then Obama smiled and said something about hope, and everybody thought he was great again.  

When Spike Lee criticized his work, Clint Eastwood told him to "shut his face".  After watching so much boring coverage about McCain and Obama, it's nice to see how old men and black guys normally argue in this country.

A survey shows that one-third of Americans admit to falling asleep at their job. In a related story, two-thirds of American workers are liars. 

A survey shows that one-third of Americans admit to falling asleep at their job. In their defense, one-third of American offices make their employees watch last night's NBC lineup.

Many Americans are getting creative with their food expenses to help out with energy costs.  For example, every afternoon Michael Moore takes his McDonald's receipts for the day, and burns them in a giant bonfire to help light his neighborhood. 

Amy Winehouse's husband admitted to assaulting a barman.  He later explained that the bartender was rude and offensive, and that's no way for someone to act after Amy put his 8 kids through college. 

Beer makers may use viral ads on the Internet to better promote their product.  So be on the lookout for the new youtube sensation "Annoying, Babbling, Beergoggling, Laughing Baby". 

Former referee Tim Donaghy has alleged that NBA officials altered the outcomes of numerous games. He said he games were so fixed, his friends called him Bob Barker.

*Many of the jokes listed are now a part of National Lampoon Sports Minute, National Lampoon Pop Culture Minute, and the Complete Sheet.

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