Writings

Nancy Pelosi said that if the Democratic race doesn't resolve itself soon, she's ready to step in.  Then Bill Clinton vomited after envisioning history's most unattractive threesome. 

A girl's father in Michigan bought her a new car for her perfect attendance in school.  But to punish her for failing economics, he's making her pay for gas.

Kirsten Dunst says she was in rehab to deal with depression.  Apparently she sat through "Spiderman 3" too. 

Scientists are looking for signs of life on Mars.  And if they find any, Hillary Clinton wants their votes counted. 

Jenna Bush-Hager gave all sorts of wedding advice to Ellen DeGeneres.  She would have talked about the cake too, but then she remembered Ellen is more into pies. 

A Japanese train station made a cat their honorary station chief to attract customers.  Because with his knack for ignoring people with that stubborn aloofness, people could swear they're flying American Airlines. 

Denver Bronco fans are concerned that quarterback Jay Cutler has diabetes.  But they're thrilled that he's treating it with insulin from BALCO Labs. 

Pedro Martinez is slated to start June 3 for the Mets. So get your tickets now for "Too Little, Too Late Day" at Shea Stadium!

The ownership of the Mets said Willie Randolph can keep his job as manager.  They actually told him last month, but he's just now hearing it because the infield bobbled the message and threw it into the stands. 

The Stanley Cup is underway featuring the Red Wings and Penguins.  Some in Pittsburgh are acting anti-Detroit by not selling octopus to Red Wing fans. And Detroit is being anti-Pittsburgh by beating up random nuns. 

Former official Tim Donaghy has indicated that gambling in the NBA stretches way beyond him.  Oh, and Charles Barkley owes him $10,000. 

Pedro Martinez may retire after this year.  But instead of throwing in a towel, he's going to use Don Zimmer.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. announced that he wants his organization to work full-time with the Sprint Cup program.  He actually wanted to announce it last week, but Cup officials kept dropping the call.  Suck it, Sprint.

Alex Rodriguez is eager to return to the Yankees. Probably because he heard that a tornado is coming and he wants to hide in the cellar. 

Yankee slugger Jason Giambi revealed that he often wears a gold thong to break batting slumps.  This may explain why he only bats lefty, but the media guide lists him as a switch hitter.

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