Writings

The author of the "Harry Potter Encyclopedia" broke down and cried on the witness stand.  This was after someone asked him, "Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the "D.C. Madam", was found guilty of running a high-end escort service.  She can pick up her sentence from the night stand on the way out of the courtroom. 

The United States has pledged $200 million in food aid to Africa.  The continent's leaders were incredibly grateful, then they reluctantly asked, "Oh crap, is that in U.S. dollars?"

Pittsburgh is planning to open a museum for robots.  And just like every other city, they're going to call it "Fox News".

The Dalai Lama says that nobody has the right to tell any protester to shut up.  Then he went on to hope that Michael Bolton isn't a protester. 

Martha Stewart's dog Paw Paw died.  She said she thought of him as another person and not a dog, which makes me wonder why she didn't name him "Hand Hand". 

Most Americans are excited about the Pope's visit.  But just wait until they hear him sing "Amazing Grace".  Then they'll vote him off. 

The Pope said he always wanted to see America and say Mass.  And after seeing how fat America is, he said, "Mass!  Look at all the Mass!"

A poll shows that the Bible is America's favorite book.  When asked why it wasn't on her book club list, Oprah replied, "I didn't think it was appropriate to include my biography."

Ohio legislators are debating whether or not the state's lethal injection dose exceeds the necessary fatal amount.  Some say it does, because after testing it, Amy Winehouse said, "Hey, that stings a little."

A survey of sex therapists shows that the optimal amount of time for sex is 3 to 13 minutes. They noted that if you get to 14 minutes, you risk waking up your wife. 

Stan Lee, one of the creative forces behind Spiderman and the X-Men, will launch a new superhero franchise called "Legion of 5".  That's weird.  That's exactly what his fans call their hand when they're on a date with it. 

Politics:

The Clinton-Obama debate was aired on ABC.  Just in case people forgot that during the broadcast, Obama said that viewers of "Lost" are just bitter. 

Political analysts at CNN claim that an average American will never be President.  Fortunately, the average American doesn't watch CNN, so keep those dreams alive, people!!

All three Presidential candidates are expected to appear on "American Idol". Viewers love the idea, but then they heard that come November they can't vote through their phone, so they stopped caring. 

While on the campaign trail for her mom, Chelsea Clinton continues to be asked questions about Monica Lewinsky.  In order to get more comfortable talking about her father's embarrassing past, she called to get advice from Miley Cyrus. 

Sports:

The Olympic torch made a stop in San Francisco.  It's the first time in history when the city protested anything that was flaming. 

In an effort to get leaders to skip the Olympics opening ceremony, protesters will try to disguise the invitations as New York Knicks tickets. 

The Olympic torch was in Africa for two days.  It was a short run, but if it stayed any longer in the continent, Angelina Jolie would have adopted it. 

The Yankees unearthed a Red Sox jersey that a construction worker hid in the new stadium's concrete.  They said it was buried so low, they had to dig past A-Rod's playoff batting average. 

The former owner of the Seattle SuperSonics is suing the current ownership to get the team back.  Meanwhile, the team is also getting sued by every sports broadcaster who happens to have a lisp. 

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