Writings

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing John McCain for President. How ironic that the guy who made “Jingle All the Way” is endorsing a man who opposes torture.

When asked what quality was most appealing to California voters, most said experience. Then Charlie Sheen added, “We’re talking about hookers, right?”

John McCain said that he will “take the battle to the enemy”. And that enemy includes anybody who doesn’t like those Wilford Brimley commercials where he constantly mispronounces “diabetes”. Because that’s just adorable.

Ecuador’s Tungurahua volcano shot columns of ash miles into the air on Wednesday. Good thing it was “Ash Wednesday” and not “Flying Razor Blade Wednesday”. That would have been really disastrous.

Harry Richard Landis, one of two remaining U.S. World War I vets, died at 108. President Bush said he hated to hear the news . . . because he planned to extend his enlistment and send him to Iraq.

During a drug bust in Florida, an elderly grandmother was arrested for hiding cocaine in her cleavage. Police found it while searching her pants.

“Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere says she’s not sure who she’s voting for. In other news . . . Nobody cares, Hayden.

Victoria’s Secret executives voted that Ryan Seacrest has the sexiest smile. When reached for comment, Seacrest said, “Victoria’s Secret? What’s that?”

Exxon reported over 11 billion dollars in profit last quarter . . . 2 billion on gasoline products, and 9 billion on Mitt Romney’s hair products.

NASA will blast the Beatles song “Across the Universe” towards the North Star in hopes of communicating with other life. The star is over 400 light years away, which means it would be at least 800 years before we’ll hear anything reply. But when they do, Barbara Walters will interview them.

Wesley Snipes was acquitted of tax evasion after the judge declared him to be a “victim of bad advisers”. Interesting . . . that’s exactly what I called myself after letting my friends talk me into seeing “Blade 3”.

New Zealand scientists developed an onion that doesn’t make people cry when it’s sliced. If it replaces the regular onion, Hillary Clinton will have nothing to cut during her lame attempts to look emotional.

Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and therefore predicted six more weeks of cold, wintry weather . . . So Al Gore shot him.

NASA just released photos of Mercury, showing a surface that is cracked, badly aged, and shrunken. If you’d like to see these images, you can either go to NASA’s website, or just watch Larry King’s face in high definition.

During testing, a fake bomb got past an airport screener in Tampa. The good news is that after making an error that bad, he automatically becomes eligible to play for the Devil Rays.

Two fishermen in Bangladesh created a controversy when they beat a rare dolphin to death. They claimed to do it out of shock because they had never seen anything like it before. Then, using the same excuse, Clay Aiken punched a vagina.

*Most of the above material is now a part of “National Lampoon’s Sports Minute or So” or various radio stations nationwide.

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