Writings

A beagle named Uno won best in show at the Westminster Dog Show. He was so excited about the announcement, he went numero dos on the carpet.

Hillary Clinton is reeling after 10 straight losses. One more and they're going to ship her "President Hillary" t-shirts to Nicaragua.

Two L.A. paparazzi were arrested for blocking a public walkway. To add insult to injury, police waited until they were in their pajamas and exiting a grocery store before taking their mugshots.

The space shuttle Atlantis is finally back on solid ground. Upon returning, they thought they saw a UFO, but it was just Mike Huckabee's head in the clouds.

The Montreal Canadiens rallied from five goals down to beat the New York Rangers. The Canadiens were able to catch up because the score was being kept using U.S. dollars.

Rap star Timbaland inked a deal with Verizon to make the first ever "mobile album". This will mark the first time in history when cell phone customers will actually hope for a bad signal.

Former Governor Jeb Bush said John McCain is someone we can all get behind. Then he explained that it's not like we have a choice, because people McCain's age always drive so slow in the left lane, you can't help but get stuck behind them.

Bill Clinton's former campaign manager is now endorsing Barack Obama. Hillary said she's never felt so betrayed and lied to and . . . wait, yeah she has. Nevermind.

Phone companies will be granted immunity for any help they provide while aiding the government spy on possible terrorists. Unfortunately for Sprint customers, immunity was also granted for crappy customer service.

Greyhound is expanding its frequent rider program so people can earn points at the bus station counter as well as online. When asked to comment, Greyhound riders said, "Online? What does that mean?"

A missing $8 million painting was located in Manhattan. It was found when someone used it to pay for one-month's rent for their efficiency apartment.

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