Writings

After winning in South Carolina, Barack Obama said that he didn’t see a white South Carolina or a black South Carolina, just South Carolina. The media praised his message . . . Then they broke down the vote by racial lines.

After losing, Hillary Clinton called Obama to congratulate him. She hadn’t swallowed her pride that much since that whole “obey” wedding vow.

Hillary Clinton finished in a very distant second place in. To be fair, it is the home of the Gamecocks, and we all know how she feels about those.

It was a big win for Obama after losing in New Hampshire. He later said, “It’s a good thing that just like every other good American, I don’t care about New Hampshire.”

Al Sharpton told Bill Clinton that he should shut up. It was the first time Clinton was put in his place since Ron Jeremy told him he sleeps around too much.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist is endorsing John McCain. The announcement surprised everyone, because McCain is only half the age of most Florida residents.

In discussing his economic stimulus package, President Bush said he understands that people are apprehensive about bipartisanship. In an effort to make the term sound a little more appealing, he will now call it bi-curious-partisanship.

Most of Bush’s State of the Union address dealt with finishing unfinished business. At the end, in a huge surprise to everyone, he chose not to end by saying “Git-r-done”.

Mitt Romney told voters that he would rather focus on the future, not the past. Not voting for Romney . . . The History Channel.

The big winner at the SAG Awards was “No Country For Old Men”. It will also be a nice slogan for anyone opposing John McCain.

A man in New York broke the world record for standing completely submerged in ice when he did it for 72 minutes. Not available for comment . . . his balls.

Millions of moviegoers are lining up to “Meet the Spartans”. In other Hollywood news, a judge has ordered Britney to stop having kids by instructing her to “meet the Trojans”.

Britney Spears’ manager Sam Lutfi told “The View” that Britney has “mental issues”. He also said the sky is blue, puppies are cute, and 2 plus 2 is 4.

A German travel agency is organizing the first ever nudist flight. Flight attendants will now have to be more specific when they ask passengers if they’d like some packaged nuts.

USC star OJ Mayo admitted to accepting tickets to an NBA game. He said that next time, he’ll be sure to only take tickets that have no value, like Knicks tickets.

Tom Brady continues to deal with a high ankle sprain. Too bad it’s not his ass, because then ESPN could continue to kiss it to make it feel better.

The Lakers continue to suffer through injuries this season. Kobe Bryant is growing concerned that there are fewer players to not pass the ball to.

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing John McCain for President. How ironic that the guy who made “Jingle All the Way” is endorsing a man who opposes torture.

NASA just released photos of Mercury, showing a surface that is cracked, badly aged, and shrunken. If you’d like to see these images, you can either go to NASA’s website, or just watch Larry King’s face in high definition.

*All of the above material is now a part of “National Lampoon’s Sports Minute or So” or various radio stations nationwide.

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