Writings

The estate of Evel Knievel is being sued by a former promoter who claims he is owed millions of dollars. If it goes to court, it will be the first time that an attorney honestly tells a judge and jury, “I represent Evel.”

The British teacher accused of heresy for naming a teddy bear Mohammed has been pardoned. Sudanese leaders warned her the next time she wants to name a cuddly, harmless, simple toy after the founder of a religion of peace, she better think again.

Don Imus returned to the airwaves. He expressed gratitude for not only second chances, but also for Dog the Bounty Hunter deflecting some of the heat.

In a recent field study, chimps were found to be better at short term memory than humans. To be fair, it should be noted that the chimps went up against people at a Phish concert.**

A new study claims that exercise can fight off depression. Unless you play for the Knicks, then it just worsens the depression.

A new guitar from Gibson can tune itself. College cover bands are concerned that if Gibson makes a guitar that can seduce shallow women, they’ll totally be put out of work. **

Brad Pitt has pledged to build affordable homes for 150 Katrina victims in New Orleans. Jennifer Anniston then warned those families that their new homes would soon be wrecked by Angelina Jolie.

Tom Petty will perform at halftime of the Super Bowl. Since it’s the Super Bowl, they will dedicate their song “Don’t Come Around Here No More” to the Miami Dolphins.*

Ozzy Osborne held a garage sale for charity. It was the first time in recorded history that anyone was allowed to haggle with the “Prince of Darkness.”

Senator George Mitchell’s report on steroids in baseball will be released before Christmas. Then he will investigate the reindeer games and that big head Rudolph.

The Mets and the White Sox will face off in a Civil Rights Exhibition Game next season in Memphis. To honor the occasion, Chicago will change their name to the White But No Better Than You Sox.

Les Miles is staying as coach at LSU. He almost went to Michigan, but said it was such an unnatural fit, he would have had to change his name to Les Kilometers.

President Bush wrote a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. In it, he politely asked that the man ease tensions in the world by changing his name to Kim Jong Chill.**

A new study finds that honey is the most effective way to sooth coughs in children. The least effective way . . . aqua dots.**

Major airports are now offering flu shots at security checkpoints, and they say babies will get them free. That’s what we need on a plane, more crying babies.**

Nicole Kidman is being slammed by religious groups who claim the Golden Compass is an anti-religion movie. She denied the allegation, saying that if she didn’t care about religion, she’d still be married to that scientology nutjob.**

A Wisconsin man stole a Krispy Kreme truck full of donuts. The police caught him very quickly because they were, well, motivated.**

A man was caught stealing several blow-up dolls from an adult novelty store. Getting caught surprised him so much, even the evidence looked shocked. :O **

*This joke now a part of National Lampoon’s Sports Minute.

**This joke now a part of The Complete Sheet.

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