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Last week, a 25-year-old Nebraska teacher ran off to Mexico with a 13-year-old immi-grant student. Some are calling the action outrageous. Republicans are calling it “effec-tive reform.”

Gas prices are more expensive than ever before. So much so, Exxon will be the setting for the next Hannah Montana concert.

Georgia and Alabama are suffering through a massive drought, and officials are urging residents to refrain from using excessive water. In fact, Michael Mukasey is advising state officials to only use “regular boarding” when interrogating terrorists.

Because of a glitch, many electronics turned their clocks back a week early for daylight savings time, confusing many people in the process. Visitors to West Virginia were es-pecially confused to see time there turned back twenty years.

A former elementary school teacher faces charges of stealing $30,000 from the school’s chess club. Administrators are in shock that a teacher would do such a thing. But even more in shock that people actually gave 30 grand to the chess club.

Law enforcement agencies have unveiled a new type of ray gun that can effectively scan an area for crystal meth. It’s a remarkable instrument, as it is the first gun ever re-jected by citizens of Arkansas.

Homeland Security is reporting that Al Qaeda may attack computers in an e-jihad. The attack will be the first of its kind, because if it happens, it will be the first time in history when spam mail and websites actually advertised virgin women.

Terrorism experts warn that “jihad” is defined literally as “struggle” and “frustration”, and so an e-jihad, therefore, could also be called “AOL”.

In an effort to see her in a more natural environment, an elephant was taken from an Alaskan zoo and flown to California. And to make the eight-hour flight a more natural environment, the 2-ton mammal was seated in a window seat next to a skinny man, took up the whole armrest, and kept getting up to use the bathroom.

Oprah Winfrey announced the unveiling of the “all-Oprah” channel on YouTube. Be-cause that’s what she needs…more exposure.

The following jokes were submitted to National Lampoon’s Sports Minute:

Alex Rodriguez decided to opt out of his contract with the Yankees. His agent sent the message to the team’s GM via cell phone text message, meaning A-Rod will not only leave New York, but will also lose his bff status with the organization.

And in case you didn’t think A-Rod and his agent were douchebags before, they signed the text message with one of those sideways winking faces.

USA Today analysis shows that Major League Baseball managers make an average of $3 million less a year than coaches in the NBA. In defense of the NBA, those salaries include players’ bail money.

Indiana basketball coach Kevin Sampson has refuted accusations that he broke NCAA rules by contacting recruits via three-way phone calls. This could be the first time in his-tory that a man has outright denied being involved in a three-way.

A high school football team in Kansas beat an opponent 83-0 last week. The blowout made the game as un-exciting as…well, Kansas.

Freshman guard OJ Mayo is getting a warm welcome at USC, except from alumnus OJ Simpson, who robbed him at gunpoint to get his name back.

At the annual baseball meetings, general managers will discuss the possibility of having umpires use instant replay next year. That’s what we need…longer baseball games.

Louisville is suing Duke, claiming Duke canceled three football games between the schools. Louisville claims the change cost them a quality opponent, especially since the schedule replacement was Notre Dame.

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