Writings

A new detailed study of an old photograph shows Abraham Lincoln in a crowd at Gettysburg. What’s really troubling and ominous is that he’s holding up rabbit ears behind John Wilkes Booth.

Fred Thompson toured a gun show and called it “a day in paradise”. So if he’s not elected, keep that comment in mind if he starts a travel agency.

An employee at a Hard Rock Cafe has accused former NBA star Dennis Rodman of groping her. He later said he was confused. After seeing what Hard Rock charges for drinks, he simply assumed he was at a strip club.

Two workers at Citi Park, the future stadium of the New York Mets, suffered injuries because of unsafe conditions. How unsafe? A 14-game lead with 3 weeks left. You would think that was safe enough, wouldn’t you? But no, apparently it’s not.

The video game Guitar Hero is immensely popular. So popular, that in the latest version, a guitar actually saved the cheerleader and saved the world. So popular, you can get a sub sandwich with a guitar in it. So popular…okay, that’s enough.

Rams QB Marc Bulger suffered a concussion. His condition did improve over time. But then it quickly deteriorated once he remembered that he played for the Rams.*

Several Arkansas players attribute their upset of LSU to an incredibly moving speech by head coach Houston Nutt. Some even said they haven’t seen a Nutt inspire people like that since Lance Armstrong.*

Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre is having such a great year, the team doctor is advising him to surgically add even more ass for John Madden to kiss.*

Matt Damon was named People Magazine’s sexiest man alive. He accepted the award in an elegant tuxedo featuring coat tails that for once didn’t include Ben Affleck.**

Oprah’s latest book club pick is Ken Follet’s 973-page “Pillars of the Earth”. She was first introduced to the book by her friend Tom Cruise, who not only read it, but often sits on it to see over his dashboard.**

David Hasselhoff may reprise his role as Michael Knight in a TV movie version of his hit series Knight Rider. There will be some notable changes, however. For example, thanks to gas prices, the new name will be Knight Hitch-hiker. Also, he has a son in the movie…a very special character known simply as “Designated Driver”. It should be exciting, because in the movie, the car KITT not only talks, but fights to the death with that British lady from Tom Tom. **

On the reality show The Bachelor, Brad Womack shocked everyone when he claimed he didn’t love either of the final two women. Networks actually welcomed the blunt honesty. So much so, they’re thinking of changing the name of another show to the more appropriate “Dancing with the Has Beens”.**

A Christmas special featuring Shrek will air on ABC. With the status of the US Dollar, it’s good to see something green bringing some cheer to the holidays this year.**

In a recent poll, it was revealed that 30% of people who get gifts from co-workers just throw them away. It seems like a mean thing to do, but in their defense, those people work in the mortgage industry, and the gifts were company stocks.**

Black Friday shopping was out of control this year. Outside one store, there was so much cat-fighting, bickering, and position jockeying, CNN showed up thinking it was a debate for Democratic candidates.**

Health care is a hot topic for everyone, not just candidates. Pat Robertson, who endorsed Rudy Giuliani, is even pushing for reform, claiming that HMO is just one letter away from being really gay, and that’s too close. **

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee announced he’s bringing Chuck Norris with him to the next debate. This brings us one step closer to what many Americans want to see in politics…cage fighting. The Pentagon could become the Octagon. Politicians won’t just concede defeat on election day…they’ll tap out. And the winner will carry the most impressive title in the world…Ultimate Fighter President.**

China is currently conducting an extensive lunar probe. What’s most remarkable about their journey…the man in the moon now has lead poisoning.**

*This joke submitted to the National Lampoon Sports Minute

**This joke submitted to Ray Ellin’s LateNet

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