Writings

In Egypt, King Tut’s face was finally shown for the first time in public. The reason he hid his face for so long was thought to be linked to a curse, but the real reason was revealed when they unwrapped him and discovered a Notre Dame T-shirt.

Thanks to the upcoming games in Beijing, nearly 3,500 children have been named Aoyun, which means “Olympics”. The idea went a little overboard when some parents gave a bronze medal to their least favorite child.

Nicole Kidman admits to weeping after a photographer chased her for an hour in his car. She later explained that she normally doesn’t cry in front of the paparazzi, but in this instance, the guy suggested she make a sequel to Eyes Wide Shut.

A man in Britain is accusing Boy George of false imprisonment. The court immediately ruled, however, that as much as we hate it, getting Karma Chameleon stuck in your head for three days does not constitute false imprisonment.

Oprah’s latest book club pick is Ken Follet’s 973-page “Pillars of the Earth”. Her praise for the novel, however, took a hit when Dr. Phil called Follet a lazy sack of crap for not writing 27 more pages.

The National Geographic Society in Washington, DC will display the remains of an oddly-shaped dinosaur known as Nigersaurus. They’re expecting big crowds, including a march by a confused and over-anxious Al Sharpton.

The dinosaur is oddly shaped because the jawbone resembles a wide-mouthed vacuum cleaner head. Experts believe this particular species died out with the emergence of the more efficient Swifter-saurus.

75% of Americans are opposed to illegal immigrants getting driver’s licenses. It’s actually unanimous if you consider that the 25% of people who are not opposed later claimed they were being sarcastic when they said, “Yeah, more people in line at the DMV. That’s exactly what we need.”

The Orlando Magic beat the undefeated Boston Celtics, after which the team told fans it wasn’t a fluke, and that “the Magic is real!” To show just how real, David Copperfield showed up and seduced a cheerleader.

Barry Bonds is charged with obstruction of justice and perjury. If he goes to prison, experts predict that within a month, he will have a very sore asterisk.*

The new BCS poll is out, and Kansas is ranked #2. This surprises everyone, especially when you consider that this ranking has nothing to do with number of meth labs per capita.*

The PGA announced that Justin Timberlake will host its Las Vegas event in 2008. If the golfing world really wants to “bring sexy back”, shouldn’t the LPGA get him to host something?

Several thousand gold coins featuring Presidential candidate Ron Paul were seized from an Indiana home. Also taken were a few Susan B. Anthony coins featuring Hillary Clinton, which totally changes what the B stands for.

*These jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute

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