Writings

A student wearing a mask and carrying a gun was arrested on the campus of St. John’s University. His lawyer explained that the man carried a weapon simply because he was a schizophrenic who feared for his life. He wore a mask simply because he was a Mets fan.

The custody battle between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is getting ugly. So ugly, Denise is now asking Britney Spears for advice. Sheen is now sending her nasty phone messages in which he calls her a “sad, talentless pig”. The outburst was disturbing, but it landed Sheen a job writing voicemails for Alec Baldwin.

Sheriff deputies in Los Angeles were caught staging a contest with each other, competing on who could make more arrests. It has created an uproar, especially since there was considerable unfair advantage for the cops on Lindsay Lohan patrol.

Researchers at Tufts University are working on a computer that can read your mind and make decisions for you. They call it the Nano-3000. Everyone else calls it “a wife”.

The Pittsburgh Penguins and Buffalo Sabres have agreed to play a hockey game outdoors at Ralph Wilson Stadium, where the Buffalo Bills play football. The owner of the Bills agreed to it because he wanted to watch a team play in his stadium and actually use the scoreboard.

Extensive studies now show that after years of overuse and maintenance neglect, American bridges are overcome with corrosion. No, wait…that’s Bruce Springsteen.

A man in South Bend, IN is facing charges of impersonating a priest and walking into a Notre Dame game. University officials knew he was a fraud because he was the only priest not performing last rites on the football team.

Customs officials in Australia discovered a large amount of ecstasy pills inside a Mr. Potato Head. They realized there was a problem when his smile wouldn’t pop off.

Astronomers have spotted an Earthlike planet forming in a distant galaxy. They declared for a fact it’s what Earth looked like 20 billion years ago because they got visual confirmation from Larry King.

A Russian woman recently gave birth to a 17-pound baby. It’s refreshing to see that so many years after Soviet communism fell, Russia is really embracing American culture.

Ben Affleck said that his romance with Jennifer Lopez hurt his Hollywood standing and put a kink in his acting. Right…because if Gigli were cast with another female lead, it would have been awesome.

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the Soviet Union’s launch of Sputnik into orbit. The historic event still baffles many Americans, especially when they hear that a major aircraft actually took off on time.

Disney is in negotiations to build a resort and theme park in Oahu. Their executives got the idea after visiting the peaceful Hawaiian Islands and saying, “You know what this place needs? Some screaming kids.”

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