Writings

Drug enforcement agents busted several Delta Airlines baggage handlers involved in a large drug operation. Luggage containing illegal narcotics were shipped to New York, where handlers at JFK would intercept them before getting to customs. Delta officials never suspected a problem because bags, as usual, were being redirected to the wrong destinations.

Alabama plans to spend over $730,000 to renovate the first White House of the Confederacy. It’s the most money any state has ever allocated towards a runner-up trophy room.

A woman is accusing magician David Copperfield of sexually assaulting her. Her lawyer explained, “It wasn’t consensual, even if he did say ‘Now you see it, now you don’t’.”

Kid Rock was charged with assault at a Georgia Waffle House. The fight started when he ordered his hashbrowns scattered, tattered, and shredded, and the cook said, “Oh, the Kid Rock career special.”

In recent poll, 25% of Americans believe they have either seen a ghost or felt its presence. To be fair, half of those people are Jets fans who sense their dead playoff hopes.

Tennessee Titans kicker Rob Bironas scored 26 points to break the record for the most points in game by a kicker. If you have him on your fantasy team, congratulations…but you’re still a dork.*

It was reported that if their HGH use violated US law, athletes could not only face league suspensions but also 3 and 1/2 years in prison. That’s one year for each of Marion Jones’ balls.*

Ohio State remains atop the college football poll, with a continuing march to the BCS National Championship game, or what the rest of the country calls “The first time they’ll play a decent opponent.”*

Thanks to a toe problem, Leonard Little is the latest St. Louis Ram to get bitten by the injury bug. The rest of the team continues to be bitten by other bugs, like ticks and mosquitoes…because they suck. *

Zach Thomas of the Miami Dolphins suffered a whiplash injury in a car accident after another motorist rear ended him. He later said the hit shocked him because he plays for the Dolphins and therefore assumed he was safely behind everyone. *

Former Dolphin running back Ricky Williams attended the World Series in Denver. He’s not really a baseball fan, but he heard you can’t get any higher in American than in Denver.*

Kobe Bryant is suffering a wrist injury. It’s reportedly the worst his wrist has felt since that Colorado case made him dateless for three months.*

Orlando Bloom may face charges of leaving the scene of a horrific accident. Ironically, everyone who walked out of the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie could be charged for the same thing.

A top scientist has theorized that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two species…one attractive and intelligent and one ugly and dim-witted. He says this split is based on sexual selection, causing good-looking people to only mate with each other, a hypothesis easily debunked by one fact…there will still be alcohol and bad decisions in the future. But at least he gave us an approximate time…100,000 years. That’s in case you drink and want to go ugly early. Really, really early.

In response to government shut downs of brothels, two prostitutes in Bolivia sewed their lips together as part of a hunger strike. As a result, the ladies are no longer able to offer everything on their menu.

*This joke is now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute
**This joke is now a part of LateNet with Ray Ellin

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