Writings

According to PETA, a variety of meatless menu options at Citizens Bank Park makes the Philadelphia Phillies the #1 vegetarian-friendly team in all of pro sports. The distinction would have gone to the Buffalo Bills after judges saw so many vegetarians in the stands. But they later realized…wait, that’s not anemia, it’s overwhelming apathy.

Thanks to a slew of TV crime dramas, forensic science is now a hot new major on college campuses. Unfortunately, most of those involved are sorority girls, who apparently misunderstood when they heard they could actually get a degree in collecting DNA.

Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is suspending all armed activity by his Mahdi Army militia in Iraq for six months. He didn’t say why, but he was later seen buying a Tivo and whispering, “Save the cheerleader, save the world.”

Senator Larry Craig, caught in an undercover gay sex sting, is desperately trying to make the embarrassment go away. In his latest attempt to deflect humiliation, he will have his public apology personally delivered by Miss Teen South Carolina.

The Larry Craig story is indeed an embarrassing one, but you know who I feel sorry for? People who listen to iPods while in public restrooms and don’t know the secret homosexual bathroom code of foot tapping. If they’re just enjoying their music, I don’t think it’s cool to bust them, unless it’s because of a Kelly Clarkson song.

Postal carriers in Washington D.C. are refusing to deliver mail in some areas until the city cleans up the large amounts of bird droppings on the ground. If the holdout is effective, they’ll do the same to Capitol Hill until politicians clean up their gigantic bull droppings.

California reported that their 911 call center is constantly flooded with calls from cell phones, most of which are not emergency calls at all. The people who call the most…dicks who feel it necessary to have over 910 speed dial contacts.

In a symbolic effort to reverse the cruelty and anguish endured by dogs, the Humane Association is using Michael Vick jerseys as rags in their kennels. The NFL has no comment, but officials did say they’d like to reverse the cruelty and anguish endured by anyone who still plans on watching the Falcons play football.

A disc jockey in Louisville pleaded guilty to bilking thousands of dollars out of listeners by falsely claiming he had a terminal illness. As part of the agreement, caller 10 gets to kick him in the nuts.

The western movie is making a huge comeback in Hollywood. Directors say they were inspired to revisit the genre after watching Cuba Gooding Jr.’s career ride off into the sunset.

Eight-year-old Zhang Huimin ran 2,212 miles through China to honor the upcoming Olympics. In the spirit of the Games, she is pleading with other Chinese to recognize other traditions from around the world. At the top of that list…picking up exhausted hitch hikers!!!

Several Tokyo arcades are discontinuing their arm-wrestling machines after Japanese players used them incorrectly and broke one too many arms. In a related story, several Tokyo bars are discontinuing their karaoke systems after Japanese players used them incorrectly and broke one too many spirits.

More bad news regarding Chinese toy manufacturers. Rather than force another recall, however, I think Mattel should just keep the toys they have and market them as learning tools…for example, “Lead-Based Barbie”. When kids pull the string and hear her slurred speech and see her slower-than-normal reaction time, they’ll learn a valuable lesson about the negative effects of lead. The company saves money. Parents save time teaching about danger. And the kids still have toys to play with. It’s a win-win-win!

A man in Arkansas is suing a high school administration, claiming they cut his daughter from the cheerleading squad without properly recognizing her attention deficit disorder.
He says they should have realized there was a problem when she cheered, “Gimme a C! Gimme a…hey, a penny!”

Twelve women aged 60-70 years old in Idaho are raising money for Community Cancer Center and Diabetes Education by shedding their clothes in a 2008 calendar. The calendars go for $20 each, but the big funds are raised from the $5 tequila shots sold to help buyers erase their new mental images of old, naked Idaho chicks.

Ten professional wrestlers from the WWE have been suspended for steroid abuse. A league spokesperson said that this is the worst episode of illegal performance enhancement in wrestling since Hulk Hogan took legitimate acting lessons.

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