Writings

Here is what I recently wrote for the show Late Net with Ray Ellin, broadcast monthly over the Internet.

OJ Simpson arrested again:
An audio tape was released of the actual robbery. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear the distinct sound of stand-up comics dusting off their OJ bits.

He’s smirking in his mugshot and appears confident when confronted about the incident. I think he actually plans on using the “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” defense.

Former prosecutor Marcia Clark is a reporter and legal expert for Entertainment Tonight on this story. Is it a good idea to hire as a legal expert a person who couldn’t slam dunk the easiest case in the history of murder? Who’s their sports coorespondent…the defensive coordinator for Notre Dame? Military analyst…the bodyguard for Lincoln?

The fact that this all went down in a casino is intriguing. It’s even going to be made into a movie…Ocean’s 14 to Life.

Iranian visit:
Iranian president Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University in New York. You know who’s got to really hate this? The former president of Harvard. All he did was say women aren’t as good at math as men are, and he got fired. He recently told the media, “I make a sexist comment, and I lose my job. Columbia’s Chancellor invites a Jew-hating dictator to talk on campus, and nothing happens to him. You do the math…because I can’t get it to add up. Now I know what chicks feel like.”

He claimed there are no gays in Iran, which prompted laughter from some, confusion from others, and a one-way plane ticket to Tehran from Pat Robertson.

Many gay people are upset at his comments, saying that the dictator is oblivious to the millions of his people living scared in the closet. All they want is to live in peace and escape fear…but mostly they want to dress that country up a little. Talk about a place that desperately needs some throw pillows and color coordination. We should get Condi Rice to visit with a reality TV crew and film “Queer Eye for the Ignorant, Hate-Filled Despot Guy.”

He claims his nuclear power will be for energy purposes, not weapons. If anyone believes that, you should know those condoms you found in your son’s wallet are not for harmless water balloons like he says they are.

Paris Hilton:
Paris Hilton wants to conceive a baby by next year, but she’s likely to change her mind once she hears that fetuses are full of carbs.

She didn’t say when this will happen, but it will probably be about nine months after the conception video is posted online.

She admits things are going to be difficult. For example, naming the baby is going to be almost as hard as finding a guy to screw her without a condom.

And finally:
A man proposed to his fiancé in a custom-made Boston Globe crossword puzzle. Little does she know that 5 years from now, when he files for divorce, he plans to hide his net worth in a Sudoku.

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