Writings

A Chinese restaurant in New York was cited for health code violations after an employee was caught stomping garlic with his boots while preparing a meal. The incident raises some alarming concerns…such as, what kind of person gives a cat the name Garlic?

The wife of NBA referee Tim Donaghy has filed for divorce. When asked why, she said, “He never takes longer than 24 seconds to shoot.”

Two men are suing American University after the school’s alumni magazine printed a prank announcement that falsely claimed they are gay and married. In a similar story, several Notre Dame alumni are suing their alma mater for claiming they still support the football team.

In a big college upset earlier this month, Michigan fell to Appalachian State. The game was quite an eye opener for two reasons: you should never underestimate your opponent, and moonshine could be a performance enhancer.

The New England Patriots were penalized last week for taping private signals from other teams. The NFL first became suspicious of the illegal spying after the entire New England coaching staff received job offers from President Bush.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, the only Hispanic presidential candidate, was upset that he was prevented from speaking Spanish during the first ever Spanish-language debate last weekend, because other candidates needed the use of a translator. When Richardson pressed the issue, Barrack Obama asked him, “Como se dice…who are you again?”

An artist in Boston is attempting to bring back Smell-o-vision to kids’ movies with screenings of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, in which she creates the aromas of blueberry pies and banana taffy during the film. She also plans to remake Daddy Day Care if she can find a way to create the scent of “horrible”.

James Spader of Boston Legal won the Emmy for Best Actor in a drama. It was a shocking upset, since most people thought the award would go to either James Gandolfini of the Sopranos, or that weird kid on youtube who cried about leaving Britney Spears alone.

Starbucks opened its first coffee shop in Russia last Thursday. The company admitted they really have no interest in the country, they just wanted to further confuse people by using yet another language when naming their cup sizes.

A new medical museum opened in London, and thanks to a loan from an organ research lab, a transplant recipient actually got to see her original heart. And thanks to a loan from Satan, Martha Stewart can visit the museum and take a good look at her soul.

A 71-year-old woman in North Carolina told police that a chest-high marijuana plant is in her garden to keep animals away. Sure, it could be the giant marijuana plant that’s keeping the animals away. Or it could be the hundreds of high school kids constantly loitering in the front yard.

Presidential candidate Barack Obama just received a public endorsement from Oprah Winfrey. This could spell doom for the other contenders, especially Dennis Kucinich, who just received an endorsement from Tony Danza.

Officials at monster.com, a resume-sharing website, confirmed that their system was hacked into and sensitive information about its users was stolen. Victims are desperately searching for answers, like who the hacker could be, and is he hiring.

In an effort to get people to stop smoking in China, cigarette packs will show things like cancerous tumors and blackened teeth. To show people they’re serious about the threat, cigarettes will now come with a lead-filled Barbie doll.

Ochi Yosuke, a Japanese man, won the Air Guitar World Championship for the second consecutive year. And for the second consecutive year, he celebrated by going home and having sex with an inflatable air groupie.

Louisiana’s state agriculture commissioner confirmed that fierce “killer bees” have established themselves in the New Orleans area. Officials said the pests may be getting too comfortable after watching several bees harass drunk women with plastic beads.

In a clever new tactic, Burger King pledged to fight childhood obesity by offering kids healthier items shaped as normal fast food, like apples cut to resemble French fries. Ah, yes…the cure for obesity isn’t responsible living…it’s deception! And if that doesn’t trick your kids into living better, the restaurant will fool them into exercise by chasing them with that ultra creepy BK mascot.

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