Writings

President Bush’s daughter Jenna became engaged to her boyfriend Henry Hager. The couple says they have not decided on when they’ll start a family, but Baby Hager may not be far off if their stance on pulling out is anything like her father’s.

Teacher-astronaut Barbara Morgan is readjusting to gravity after living without it for two weeks aboard the Endeavour. She said the hardest part about her return is when her smartass husband keeps asking her, “Wow. Have you gained weight?”

New York basketball star Stephon Marbury recently came to Michael Vick’s defense by calling dog fighting a sport. Coach Isiah Thomas publicly disagreed, saying it’s not a sport, even if it does have more fans than the Knicks do.

Concerned that the attention Vick is getting is taking focus away from their own pursuits, some around the NFL are being forced to bring the spotlight back to themselves. In some cases, however, it’s just sad. Like the book “If I Did It (To Dogs)” by O.J. Simpson.

A Chinese couple made headlines when they named their new baby the symbol @, raising concerns about the child’s well being. One social service representative explained that it’s not unusual for a foreign couple to name their child a symbol. What’s cruel, however, is that their last name is “aol.com”. Not only will he be ridiculed, but whenever anyone calls him, they’ll need to talk with someone in India first.

Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady’s former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a baby boy. Brady said the delivery was a dramatic and scary experience, primarily because despite his pleas, Moynahan refused to deliver his son in shotgun formation.

The Bionic Woman will premier this fall on NBC. The programming will mark one of the incredibly rare instances when Hollywood showcases a leading actress who is actually supposed to be made up of artificial parts.

Researchers now think that a virus could be to blame for America’s obesity. Well I’m glad that riddle is finally solved. Overweight people are thrilled with the finding, then went on to say they hope they don’t have to put down their Doritos and Coke and get off the couch to get the vaccine.

After conducting hours of research, scientists theorized that the Tyrannosaurus Rex could run at a speed of 18 mph. To put it in perspective, one researcher said that the fearsome carnivore could easily chase down athletes like David Beckham. Then he said, “But even then, nobody would watch soccer.”

Paris Hilton wants her new mansion to be more environmentally friendly. She admits that she had to be talked into the concept of solar energy, especially the part about the world revolving around something besides her.

Recent laser scans of plaster casts show that Abraham Lincoln’s face was lopsided, with one side quite smaller than the other. Said one historian, “What’s most remarkable is that unlike most politicians, he literally had two faces.”

Tom Sietas broke his own world record after holding his breath under water for 15 minutes and 2 seconds. Ironically, when asked if they cared, most people told him to not hold his breath.

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