Writings

Among the suspects arrested in the bombing plots in Britain, three are physicians. According to police, the men are quite irritated…first, their elaborate plan failed. Then, it gets out that they’re British doctors, and now Michael Moore won’t stop calling to talk about nationalized health care.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki is having trouble getting Shiite and Sunni representatives to cooperate within his government. When the U.S. expressed its disappointment, al-Maliki said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you actually wanted us to imitate your style of government. I didn’t realize the Dems and Republicans were better role models than what I’ve seen. My sincerest apologies. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some frivolous spending to do.”

Upon visiting President Bush in Maine, Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “The deck has been dealt and we are here to play.” The whole deck? Maybe he simply messed up an American figure of speech. Or maybe he’s referring to the one game in which the entire deck is dealt. That game…WAR. Great. Just great. Time to re-stock my Y2K shelter.

As part of a new history appreciation effort, the town of Grand Island, Nebraska will spend a week living as people did in 1897. To research for the event, residents are encouraged to read archived documents, view old photos, or just visit Mississippi.

In an effort to prevent the spread of germs, prisoners in Indiana are no longer allowed to shake hands. Right…shaking hands. That’s when germs are spread in prison.

Joey Chestnut de-throned eating champion Takeru Kobayashi after devouring 66 hot dogs. “It’s both humbling and shameful that I have to face such a massive beat down,” said Kobayashi. “Ditto,” said Chestnut’s toilet.

Playboy is marketing a new chocolate bar. It has a label that reads: “Warning: Eating in bed may cause sticky sheets.”

Four town employees in New Hampshire who were fired for gossiping are asking a judge for reinstatement. If he rejects their appeal, then oh-my-god, I heard that he is soooo sleeping with his secretary.

To promote better health, the Lung Association of New Hampshire will rename itself “Breathe New Hampshire”. The Lung Association of Colorado will continue to use the name “Puff-Puff-Pass Colorado”.

A recent study by Science Magazine reveals that men and women are equal talkers, using about 16,000 words per day. It should be noted, however, that the 16,000 words the men spoke in a day were not all used up in one long voicemail message.

Al Gore’s son was caught with marijuana after he was clocked speeding at 100 mph. To prove he wasn’t using the drug, he said, “Because I was going 100 miles per hour!”

NFL Europe has closed down. Noting the lax drug policies in Europe, Ricky Williams said, “Now I’m definitely not coming back.”

During an upcoming NASCAR show, ESPN will set a person on fire to show the technical side of racing equipment. It will also show an effective way to wake someone who is watching a NASCAR event.

The Transformers movie pits the Autobots against the Decepticons, two high-tech alien races of super-intelligent machines that change shapes in a battle over mankind and the universe. It’s an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride that ends when both sides are made obsolete by Steve Jobs.

Some iPhone owners are having trouble activating their new service with AT&T. Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “If people can’t get phone service with this thing, then they’ll just be a bunch of pompous dicks with a fancy photo album. Oh crap, tell me I didn’t just say that.”

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