Writings

Jenna Fischer, star of The Office, broke her back after falling down some stairs. NBC later said, “When we heard one of our stars broke their back, we immediately thought it was the cast of Law & Order. After all, they’ve been carrying this network for 15 years.”

After getting a head start, Bengals receiver Chad Johnson won a foot race against a horse. Asked how he did it, Johnson replied, “Since I play for the Bengals, I just imagined that the horse chasing me was a cop.”

The Church of England wants Sony to stop using the Manchester Cathedral as a backdrop in the violent game Resistance: Fall of Man. In a similar case, Kia is demanding to know why nobody wants to steal their cars in Grand Theft Auto.

Roy Pearson’s $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner that lost his pants has been thrown out. The judge dismissed the case for lacking merit, and also because Pearson showed up to court with no pants.

Some automakers want to make a goal of selling one million hybrids a year. When a Chevy dealer in East L.A. claimed to have met that goal already, he was told that although it looks the part, the El Camino is not really a hybrid.

The finale of The Sopranos aired at the same time as the NBA Finals. That means people in Cleveland who liked the show had two reasons to be really disappointed.

Russian chess champ Garry Kasparov attended a democracy conference where he spoke out against President Putin. His supporters applaud his openness, and hope Putin’s old KGB cronies have the decency to say “checkmate” before they poison his dinner.

A massive food fight at an Illinois high school was the result of a senior prank gone awry. One senior defended his classmates, saying, “Since most of the ammo was fruits and vegetables, we didn’t realize we were even in a food fight.”

Testing new waters, a few basketball stars played a game after raising the rims to 11 feet. Afterwards, the WNBA tried something new by raising a game’s attendance to 11 people.

The fossil of a giant birdlike dinosaur was discovered in China. The creature was an herbivore, stood 16 feet tall and probably weighed about 3,000 pounds. Experts determined it was birdlike because after the Chinese handled it, they got the flu and died.

Officials at the University of Oklahoma discovered that two banned substances were accidentally given to several football players. No word on what the substances were, but people close to the situation think they may be math and science.

After a visit to Cuba, Venezuela President Hugo Chavez reports that Fidel Castro has “recovered his fastball”. And Mrs. Castro reports that after spending months in bed, he also brought back his foul balls.

Lake Superior dropped to its lowest level in 81 years. It’s about time we knocked her snooty ass down a few pegs.

China is planning a road on Mt. Everest to be traveled during the Olympic torch relay. NBC applauds the decision, saying that a journey to the world’s tallest point will help offset a journey to the world’s lowest point, which is Olympic coverage TV ratings.

The Vatican has issued the “Ten Commandments for Motorists”. And why not, seeing as we’ve mastered the original ten.

There was a bit of an uproar in Idaho when the state quarter was unveiled featuring a peregrine falcon instead of a potato. Governor C.L. Otter caused more controversy when he said, “I’m quite proud of both the falcon and the potato. They both represent Idaho, and I have to poke holes in each before microwaving them.”

The new film 1408 is a Stephen King story about a hotel room that draws on the fears of its guests, like the thoughts of dying alone or watching a sequel to Maximum Overdrive.

The International Space Station suffered a computer glitch last month. Astronauts were able to correct the problem, but only after talking to tech support that NASA outsourced to a different galaxy run by people who could barely speak conversational Earthling.

Officials at Comerica Park, home of the Detroit Tigers, have finally rid themselves of a seagull infestation during their games. Major League Baseball was impressed, and is now asking their help with the vultures that continue to hover above the Devil Rays.

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