Writings

To raise awareness for breast cancer, Major League Baseball will use pink bats on Mother’s Day. And to raise awareness for rampant steroid abuse, they will use tiny, shriveled balls.

At Free Comic Book Day on May 5, fans had a chance to view 150 Peanuts strips never before seen. Asked why they were never printed, a collector replied, “Let’s just say that your suspicions of Peppermint Patty and Marcie are totally confirmed!”

The oldest people in America met in Indiana when 113-year-old Bertha Fry met 114-year-old Edna Parker. They said their secret to long life was eating vegetables, a loving family, and the fact that they have the pre-destined old lady names Bertha and Edna.

In several PSAs entitled “Get out and play”, Shrek is featured to promote healthier lifestyles. That’s right, kids. Go exercise so you can look like Shrek. Brilliant marketing, people. Absolutely brilliant.

During courtroom proceedings surrounding her probation violation, Paris Hilton pleaded ignorance. The plea was summed up in her statement, “Hi. I’m Paris Hilton.”

Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider went online and sold the signature General Lee car for a record $9.9 million. Schneider was excited about the sale until the buyer paid him in Confederate money and quickly seceded from eBay.

After his reckless driving caused a horrific crash, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine was discharged from the hospital. He promptly apologized for setting a poor example and then said, “Come on, New Jersey. It was just a seat belt. It’s not like I’m gay or something. Oh, hey McGreavy. I didn’t see you standing there. Oh boy. So how ’bout those Nets, huh?”

A couple got engaged during a special, zero-gravity airplane flight. The woman accepted but immediately called it off when they landed and her new fiancé said, “Have you gained weight?”

NASA astronomers reported the biggest and brightest star explosion ever recorded. The discovery proves the incredible balance that exists in the universe, because it occurred almost immediately after the massive star implosion of Britney Spears’ career.

After rap artist Akon brought a girl on stage during a concert and simulated having sex with her, cell phone giant Verizon pulled its sponsorship of the tour. A company spokesperson said, “If Akon is going to act like he’s screwing his customers, we prefer he do it more subtly, like with surcharges.”

After a very slow start, the Detroit Tigers are finally playing like the American League champs they are. General Manager Dave Dombrowski explained away their sluggish start by saying, “It was cold back then. It’s sunny and warm now.” So rest assured, Detroit. Your Tigers will play terrific baseball until the weather turns chilly, like it tends to do at the end of October, right when the World Series starts. Way to go, Dave…fan base confidence is back in the crapper.

A woman broke her back when a drunk man fell on her during a Mets game. She’s suing him, stadium security, and her son, who apparently stepped on a crack.

Astronomers announced they’ve discovered an Earthlike planet outside our solar system. We are now forced to ask ourselves, “Is there life there?” And more importantly… “How long until Al Gore tries to convince them their polar bears are drowning?”

A recent academic study of pro basketball found that white referees call fouls on black players at a higher rate than on white ones. To correct the disparity, officials will now be required to call less fouls on black players and more fouls on the team’s bench.

A mineral found by a mining crew in Serbia has the same composition as kryptonite from the Superman movies. After much debate and study of the discovery, scientists from around the world still cannot answer a significant question… “What dork had time to actually give a fictional rock a chemical make-up?”

Barack Obama will receive full security detail while campaigning. The move is remarkable and unprecedented because it’s so early, with the Presidential election well over a year away. But what’s even more unbelievable to everyone…Dennis Kucinich is still in the race. Man, that kid is a fighter!

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