Writings

ABC’s fall lineup features the show “Pushing Daisies”, about a man who can bring the dead back to life. Producers came up with the idea after watching a paramedic do that every week in Barbara Walters’ dressing room.

Richard Seigler of the Pittsburgh Steelers was arrested on charges of being a pimp. Police suspected him because he was the only player wearing a big, fur helmet.

In a big misunderstanding, the prosecution in the Jose Padilla trial called his fellow prisoners to the witness stand. It was soon determined that when they claimed to be frequent victims of dirty bombs, usually ones that were silent and without warning, they were talking about something else completely.

Millions of cicadas are ready to re-emerge after a 17-year hiatus. Scientists believe the insects got the idea after watching washed-up celebrities do it on reality TV.

Sugar substitute Splenda is denying charges that its ad slogan “Made from sugar so it tastes like sugar” is false and misleading. When Equal complained, a Splenda spokesperson called it “nothing but sour grapes”, at which point their lawyer grabbed the microphone and quickly whispered, “Not made with real grapes.”

Fans of Rutgers are upset the team logo does little to tell people it’s the state university of New Jersey. To appease the concerns, school officials plan to keep the logo, but the football team will now play with mullets and wife-beater tank tops.

Former Coke employee Joya Williams was sentenced to eight years in prison. Three for attempting to sell the secret recipe, and five for planning a dirty bomb using pop rocks.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’ new autobiography is entitled “My Grandfather’s Son”. You know what, Clarence? That’s your dad. If you’re going to play semantic tricks on us, why not call your book “The Son of the Man who was My Great Grandfather’s Kid”? I dissent.

During a recent field trip, teachers at a Tennessee elementary school staged a fake gun attack to prepare kids in case a real gunman ever showed up. After learning that it wasn’t real, many students and parents were upset. Said one sixth grader, “I understand their intent, but that’s not fake shit in my pants.”

In California, the mother whale that has garnered so much attention showed signs of distress this week. But this time, Elisabeth Hasselbeck stood up to Rosie, and The View continues to inexplicably take up headline space.

Gallons of Vermont maple syrup were recently sent to the U.S. military in Iraq. Soldiers were confused until they noticed the request they sent home included a significant typo: “Please send something to make this God-awful dessert more bearable.”

Officials in D’Iberville, Mississippi asked residents to invent a slogan for the city. The leading vote-getter was, “D’Iberville…Sounds cool until you read past the comma.”

Duke University broke ground on a campus cemetery, but not many alumni are requesting to be buried there. That may have something to do with the name on the front gate… “Home of the Blue Devils”.

The $1 coin featuring John Adams went into circulation last week. If you use one at McDonald’s, expect the teenage cashier to flip it to determine what question to ask first…Heads: “What kind of quarter is this?” or Tails: “Who the hell is John Adams?”

A hectic work schedule didn’t prevent Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez from spending a few hours with his mom on Mother’s Day. She later said, “He normally just calls. But this year I dressed up like John Ashcroft in a hospital gown, and he wouldn’t leave.”

It’s been discovered that some sharks can reproduce asexually, without a male being involved. In another example of natural evolution, sperm whales have grown their own wipe-up towels.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist is mandating that elementary school children have at least 30 minutes of physical education each day. Crist became committed to the obesity issue after watching a 200-pound second grader get hit on by a Sea World manatee. He later said, “If that boy had whiskers, things could have gotten really nasty.”

Some Iraqis are recording everyday life in Baghdad and posting the videos online to educate people that their city isn’t all about violence. In a statement, they said, “We’re doing this because we don’t think it’s fair to generalize an entire country and a group of people. That’s something that the devils of Israel and America do.”

Madison Square Garden may sell naming rights to a corporation. Experts say the most appropriate sponsor for the home of the Knicks….Hoover.

Aflac CEO Dan Amos told college graduates to pursue something they believe is worthwhile. Taking that advice, some plan on attending law school, earning a JD, and then representing the Aflac duck who’s being used with not even a sniff of a residual check.

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