Writings

Hooters Restaurants are tackling identity theft by keeping credit cards in the patron’s sight, so waitresses will now attach card scanners to their breasts. When customers pay their tab, they’ll now hear the unmistakable sound of plastic on plastic.

Veterinarians warn that if an animal has eaten tainted pet food, a common symptom to look for is above average sleeping patterns. So if your cat is sleeping 25 or more hours a day, he could be affected.

After an anonymous contributor posted a video on youtube comparing Hillary Clinton to a big brother type from 1984, someone from her camp posted a video portraying Barack Obama in a similar light. This tit for tat illustrates just how competitive politics can be. It also shows that even Clinton’s supporters lack any original ideas.

Rep. Mike Boland of Illinois wants to make it a crime to smoke in a car in the presence of children under age 8. Boland, who smokes two packs a day, feels strongly about the measure because young children deserve clean air. Oh yeah, and his son just turned 9.

Animal rights groups in Tampa are threatening Checkers Drive-In Restaurants with legal action. At the heart of the matter is a marketing campaign in which the eatery encourages customers to dress dogs and cats in Checkers take-out bags. PETA learned of the stunt when they overheard several Vietnamese families say, “We’ll have what they’re having.”

Ben Affleck will narrate a new DVD entitled “Red Sox Baby: Raising Tomorrow’s Boston Red Sox Fan Today”. The DVD comes with copies of Gigli and Daredevil in order to get kids accustomed to major disappointment.

The University of Nebraska will now offer a major in pet food technology. When the announcement was made, the Psychology department studied the Pavlovian effect exhibited by the entire Husker football team.

New York is painting flowers on cabs as part of a project named “Garden in Transit: NYC in Full Bloom”. Since real gardens aren’t exactly abundant in the Big Apple, it could mark the beginning of a theme featuring things New Yorkers never see. Next up: “1200 Square Feet in Transit”, “Beer Under Five Dollars in Transit” and “Conservative Republicans in Transit”.

Nudists in central Florida want businesses to know how much nudists contribute to the local economy, so they launched a campaign in which they’re buying everything with $2 bills. Nudists in Key West and San Francisco will continue to use the $3 bills that they’re constantly compared to.

Prison wardens in Kentucky are photographing the tattoos on inmates to track gang population. Those with ink on their forearms are Crips; those with any on their neck are Bloods; and the ones with tattoos on the small of their backs are known as bitches.

The Kansas visitor’s bureau is asking the state’s residents for nominations for the “Eight Wonders of Kansas”. The unanimous response in the poll is “Holy shit, we have eight?”

ConAgra Foods announced plans for Café Steamers, a new line of Healthy Choice meals that can be steamed in the microwave. A spokesperson said, “Steaming will do for frozen veggies what the iPod did for music”…Meaning of course that people will eat them loudly in public and act like pretentious douche bags.

American Idol is launching a songwriting competition, after which the two finalists will perform the winning tune. In order to stick with the American Idol tradition, officials are asking contestants to simply re-write cover songs.

Microsoft Word creator Charles Simonyi blasted off in a Russian Soyuz on a trip to the International Space Station. To make him feel at home, the windows on the spacecraft came with annoying glitches.

Ending 80 years of tradition, the National Spelling Bee will charge schools to participate. When some complained that public schools would have to stretch funds in their budgets, Bee officials said, “Contestants from public schools? Come on, now. Really.”

California is reporting that mosquito season has begun early this year. And after months of irritating buzzing and ruthless blood sucking, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are neck and neck so far in fundraising.

An aide to the Attorney General testified that Alberto Gonzales falsely asserted that he wasn’t involved in discussions about the removal of eight federal prosecutors. Kyle Sampson went on to say that during the removal process, Gonzales humiliated everyone by donning a bushy comb-over, squinting his eyes, and saying, “You’re fired!”

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