Writings

A Japanese liquor store has invented “bilk”, a concoction that is 70% beer and 30% milk. Their target customers…people who like buffalo wings covered in peanut butter. Their ad campaign… “Got ipecac?”

Engineers for major airlines are studying birds as inspirations for aerodynamic solutions for problems such as drag and noise. After years of extensive research, Jet Blue regrets their mistake of studying ostriches, emus, and penguins.

A recent poll shows that only 28% of Americans think the U.S. will win in Iraq. The other 72% mixed up the poll with another one, and have the Sunni Insurgents losing in the finals to the Florida Gators.

Jerry Lee Lewis, who turned 71 this year, is filming his first ever DVD. The title: Great Sagging Balls of Fire.

Speaking at a political action conference, conservative radio personality Ann Coulter called Democrat John Edwards a “faggot”. It has become a massive controversy, as it presents the only time when Mark Foley will label himself “independent”.

Hallmark unveiled a new line of cards entitled “Journeys”, which will address downbeat situations with messages like “I’m sorry how things turned out.” The company introduced the idea after a huge demand for mail sent to Britney Spears’ parents.

In a new study of common painkillers, ibuprofen was found to work best for children. In a similar study, Tylenol worked best for parents, but Jack Daniels is still preferred.

An ultrasound found a serious blood clot in Vice President Cheney’s left leg, proving that even his body rejects anything that’s not positioned on the right.

Film director James Cameron helped produce a short documentary questioning the Christian faith. The Lost Tomb of Jesus raised eyebrows, but thankfully there wasn’t a cartoon of Mohammed included, because that would have been reeeeeeally controversial.

Stricter national security rules are forcing many college spring breakers to buy a passport. Just when coeds thought the price of a Girls Gone Wild T-shirt was just dignity and self-respect, now they have to add $70 just to be included. Weather forecast for Cancun: sunny and hot with a strong chance of traumatic sorority flashbacks.

The world champion Miami Heat visited the White House this month. When he heard that Shaq’s free throw percentage was a paltry 29%, President Bush showed a nostalgic giddiness while remembering when his approval rating was that high.

After Mayor Richard Daley won re-election in Chicago for the sixth time, a voter told the media, “Corruption here is like smog in L.A. We’re just used to it.” It was a disturbing comment, but what’s even more disturbing is that Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is now changing his name to “Smoggy Perez”.

Some New Jersey high schools will begin testing its students for alcohol consumption. The test may be flawed because it could punish even those students who simply contact anything that is high in alcohol content. Unfortunately, this includes anyone who uses hand sanitizer or makes out with Lindsay Lohan. Many students lashed out at the testing policy, saying that schools have no right to get involved with how teenagers live their lives off campus. Then they lined up to willingly accept their HPV immunization shots. If they listened to their Lit teachers, they would understand what irony means.

The Pussycat Dolls are using a reality show to look for their next member. The chances of the show being a hit are as good as the band selecting a fat chick.

Virginia became first southern state to apologize for having slaves. It also became the first southern state to apologize for having Alabama.

Kentucky’s state legislature seeks to bar school bus drivers from using cell phones while transporting kids. If drivers don’t comply, they must change their ringtone to that annoying “Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” song.

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