Writings

A judge ruled that Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson could travel to Miami to play in the Super Bowl. The message that “champions are above the law” infuriated a lot of people, but it may motivate the Cincinnati Bengals to win more games.

A hunter in Washington State contracted trichinosis after consuming raw cougar meat. As a precautionary measure, wildlife officials nationwide want to test other hunters and John Mellencamp’s wife.

Notre Dame point guard Kyle McAlarney was suspended after being arrested on marijuana charges. The team originally became suspicious when he kept clamoring on about how cool it was to watch old game tape while listening to Dark Side of the Moon.

Wesley Autrey, the New Yorker who risked his life to save a man on a subway track, was a guest at President Bush’s State of the Union address. Bush highlighted Autrey’s heroics and humanity, then later asked him to somehow protect his administration from the oncoming freight train of public disapproval.

As the trial for vice-presidential adviser Scooter Libby gets under way, the defendant claims that he’s a scapegoat for the actions of Karl Rove. Rove quickly denied the allegations, and then released the names of all the jurors.

The Navy has announced that its next aircraft carrier will be named the USS Gerald R. Ford. They originally named it the USS Ford, but then some jackass redneck plastered a decal on the ship of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo.

Several stock car legends broke ground in Charlotte for the new NASCAR Hall of Fame. Their efforts created a deep hole reminiscent of the one Jeff Gordon dug for himself among racing fans when he chose to use rainbow colors.*

The Chicago White Sox penned a marketing deal with 7-Eleven and will start all of their home games at 7:11. Across town, Staples Office Supply signed a deal with the Cubs, who hope they can magically help the team by pressing that “Easy” button.

Arkansas petroleum company Murphy Oil is putting up $50 million for college scholarships for high school graduates in its hometown of El Dorado. The caveat… “students can’t major in nothing queer like art or theatre or nothing.”

Several airports in southern California are adding the letters LA to their names to promote their proximity to Los Angeles. In a similar move, the airport in Newark, NJ is highlighting its closeness to New York by adding the letters FU.

To help defray expenses from their annual Halloween street party, Ohio University will begin charging guests $25 to stay in their dorms. $50 for any douche bags who really think they’re vampires.

Pfizer is cutting 10,000 jobs. When he made the announcement to employees, CEO Jeff Kindler was told that he can go pfuck himself.

A frilled shark species that has changed little since prehistoric times made an appearance off the coast of Japan. When it was announced to the media that a “living fossil” was spotted unexpectedly, hundreds of reporters accidentally called Barbara Walters.

A neutering campaign in Louisville, KY features a dog on various billboards asking the question, “You’re going to cut off my WHAT?” So far, it’s been successful…more people are neutering their pets, and more dogs don’t want to get married.

Former dictator Manuel Noriega is to be freed in September. No word yet on whether Cuba has contacted him about their upcoming coaching vacancy.

Chicago Bears fan Jennifer Gordon is selling her pregnant belly as advertising space during the Super Bowl. Realizing that Gordon earned loads of money thanks to the countless views the ad received, Britney Spears put her cooch on ebay.

Carlos Zambrano told the Cubs that if they don’t sign him, he’ll leave. If Chicago doesn’t think he’s serious, he’ll replace himself with Rex Grossman. *

The NHL announced that it will play a handful of games in England next year. Until the day when a hockey game precedes the Daytona 500, this marks the only time when the sport will entertain people with a worse dental plan than its players. *

On a new interactive website named Second Life, users may interact with people via on-screen avatars. They can chat, hang out, even have sex with these computer personalities. Experts agree that it’s the best way to mingle with fake people without having to go to Hollywood.

U.S. Astronaut Sunita Williams broke a record this month when she logged in more time on spacewalks than any woman ever. Her crew was not aware of the mission’s significance, they just wanted to get her out of the space station so they could watch the Super Bowl in peace and quiet. Nothing like becoming noteworthy 250 miles above Earth for the sake of NASA and all of womankind, only to be outdone in the media by a jealous psycho lady with pepper spray and a bag full of diapers. Somewhere, Gloria Steinem just broke the world record for the longest sigh of disbelief ever.

George Hood is waiting to hear from Guinness officials about whether he broke a world record when he rode a stationary bike for 85 hours. If he enters the books, he will receive a certificate, a thousand dollars, and an extra-large case of Preparation H.

Wyoming, in an attempt to garner interest in the food industry, awarded prizes to area students for inventing new fast food menu items. Winning treats included a crispy burrito, fried ice cream tarts, and graham-cracker pizza. Not surprisingly, all of these came from a college freshman who didn’t even know about the contest when he showed up to a Taco John’s with hardcore munchies and a long list of ideas.

A man in Oak Ridge, TN is charged with attempted first-degree murder after trying to electrocute his wife by forcing her into a bathtub filled with water and appliances. He may have gotten away with it if his tub and appliances were inside his house and not on his porch-lawn in front of a whole neighborhood of witnesses.

In a recent state ruling, teachers in Richmond, VA may continue to discipline students by denying recess play. Unless, of course, the one misbehaving is the fat kid, in which case he’ll have to play dodge ball for one whole hour.

West Virginia is upset at its listing as the third heaviest state in the union. Obese public workers and lazy government officials will vote to dilute the pool by simply re-joining Virginia.

New Oklahoma House speaker Lance Cargill was caught off guard at his own gala when the band introduced several scantily clad dancers. Cargill politely asked them to dress and leave, but not before raking in more campaign funds than any politician ever.

Supermarket workers in Connecticut could go on strike this month unless a new contract is ratified. They hope to resolve the issue more quickly by lessening their demands to 15 or less.

* – These jokes are now part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute

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