Writings

Tiger Woods’ wife is pregnant. Tiger’s mom told reporters, “It’s about time! What was the par on that hole anyway?”

The consulting firm Accenture is developing a system called “The Virtual Family Dinner” that would utilize the technology of videophones and computers to unite distant loved ones with the elderly. Experts expect the invention to be a hit, because if it’s one combination that’s a guaranteed success, it’s videophones, computers, and the elderly.

Joseph Gambardella was caught stealing $900 worth of lobster from a restaurant in Connecticut. He knew he was busted when the police arrived and cuffed him with rubberbands over his fingers. Then they boiled him.

A man pleaded guilty in Massachusetts to posting KKK recruitment fliers at the Cape Cod Mall. People became suspicious when he kept clamoring on about the sheet sale at Sears.

St. Xavier High School in Louisville is offering a forensics class, in which crimes are solved using physical evidence from the scene. Many of the teenage students had to be instructed that all evidence would be provided and they need not bring in tube socks full of DNA.

Rudy Giuliani lost key papers in his strategy guide for his upcoming Presidential campaign. His aides are concerned because the dossier details his vulnerabilities, lists his lofty fundraising goals, and sketches out a nifty statue-of-liberty play to run against Oklahoma.

College football played its first bowl game outside the U.S. when Cincinnati took on Western Michigan in Toronto. ESPN announcer John Saunders, a Canada native, explained the new International Bowl to the locals by telling them to imagine a game between the Canadiens and the Maple Leafs, with half the building filled with fans of both teams. He then added, “Oh, and imagine that the Canadiens and Maple Leafs were playing a game nobody cared about.”

LeBron James is asking fans to create theme songs for his new Sprite commercial. In a related move, Shaquille O’Neal is asking fans to shoot his free throws.

Saints coach Sean Payton earned Coach of the Year Honors last week. The celebration party turned ugly, however, when Cowboys coach Bill Parcells appeared in the French Quarter and tried to earn some beads by flashing his man boobs. *

Former President George H.W. Bush has undergone successful surgery to replace his hip. The procedure is a total reversal of his “no new hips” promise he gave his body in 1988.

Lindsay Lohan is having her appendix removed. Her publicist says Lohan is excited, because she gets to drop a pound or two without gagging herself.

Minors in Alabama will now need written parental permission in order to get a body piercing. Those who want a tongue stud may bypass the new law by simply wearing a T-shirt that says, “I suck dick.”

The men’s basketball team at Cal Tech defeated Bard College last week to end a 207-game losing streak. After the game, Cal Tech players, wrapped up in euphoric confusion, asked their coach, “Is this what sex feels like?”

The new Slentrol pill is a weight loss drug for obese dogs. Consumers must be warned, however, that this medication is for canine use only. After all, when you combine dogs’ inability to talk with their high levels of personal responsibility, you’ll see that it’s impossible for them to sue McDonald’s like normal Americans.

After becoming the first Muslim elected to Congress, Keith Ellison used a Quran once owned by Thomas Jefferson at his swearing-in ceremony. Leading a crowd of supporters was new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who wore a lace garter once owned by J. Edgar Hoover.

English soccer star David Beckham signed a $250 million contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy. Some critics have opined that it’s a bit much for someone who is past his prime and never lived up to the media frenzy that made him popular. To which Beckham replied, “Which is why I chose Hollywood…so I can blend in. Duh.”

A man in Spokane, Washington was charged with exposing himself to a barista at a coffee stand. When asked to identify the culprit, the employee said, “Tall. But it was cold, so maybe normally it’s a grande. But definitely not a venti. That’s for sure.”

Target stores will no longer sell games like Shots and Ladders and Keg Pong because they promote binge drinking. Partiers who enjoy games need not worry, however. Still on the shelves are the marijuana paranoia guessing contest Was That Voice on TV or Real? and the PCP invincibility test entitled Twenty Bucks Says You Won’t Punch That Cop.

In order to create a suitable nesting place for perch to lay their eggs, the city of Bozeman, Montana is piling a thousand used Christmas trees at the bottom of Canyon Ferry Lake. And just in case there’s a politically-correct fish ACLU, the mayor is prepared to add a thousand menorahs.

A website launched by the El Paso Times allows citizens to monitor the Texas/Mexico border on the Internet. The web address is www.for-God’s-sake-you-can’t-find-anything-more-fulfilling-and-less-boring-to-do-with-your-time-??-seriously?-really?.com

*These jokes are now part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute

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