Writings

Some Catholic Church officials have expressed regret that Keisha Castle-Hughes, the 16-year-old who portrays Mary in The Nativity Story, is actually an unwed expecting mother. They’re really going to be upset when they hear that Willem Dafoe, who once played the role of Jesus, later tried to kill Spiderman.

A police officer in Tempe, AZ is in hot water after asking two black men to rap in order to avoid getting a ticket. Sergeant Chuck Schoville argued that he’s not racist but simply appreciates quality hip hop talent. To prove it, he pointed to the countless tickets he’s given Kevin Federline.

A New Jersey woman is sending cans of silly string to soldiers in Iraq, who spray the stuff in the air to see if it falls on any tripwires. One family accidentally sent silly putty, which only shows tripwires if they come in the form of newspaper cartoons. Sidenote: The next time a Danish newspaper prints cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed they should send silly putty to its Muslim readers. Maybe they’ll lighten up just a little bit.

A recent study found that many children overcame their allergy to eggs after consuming small but increasingly larger quantities of eggs in a desensitization study. In a related finding, nobody in China is allergic to cats.

A federal judge has ruled that blind Americans are being discriminated against because U.S. currency all feels the same. He ordered the U.S. Treasury to change its ways, including phasing in new ATMs and vending machines nationwide. The estimated cost of the changes…82 million different sized dollars.

Matt Lauer’s wife, Annette, recently gave birth to a son. They named him Thijs, pronounced “Tice” in honor of Annette’s Danish heritage. They’re doing well and said all the support and good wishes have been quite nhijs.

The actual gown worn by Audrey Hepburn in the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s was sold for $887,000. Nobody bid on the actual breakfast.

John Brown University in Arkansas has lifted its 87-year-old dancing ban. The rule was implemented under the assumption that dancing inevitably leads to sex. With the old policy gone, students are celebrating…and politely asking girls for what they call “retro pay”.

Crayola has introduced a new toy that dispenses colorful mists from a spray can. It’s all part of the new line called My Little Graffiti Artist. Coming soon…Markers That Represent and Watercolor Turf Claimers.

Trans fats have been banned in New York City. In a brief moment of confusion, there was a protest in Greenwich Village featuring a parade of overweight men who dress like women.

A Rhode Island man has been charged with arranging fake marriages between U.S. citizens and illegal immigrants. He defended himself by saying, “If you saw the heffers I was hooking up with Mexicans, you’d agree that these immigrants are just doing more things that Americans won’t do.”

Arab states in the Persian Gulf announced plans to consider a joint nuclear program. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he’s willing to assist neighboring countries in an effort to pursue peaceful nuclear technology. “Peaceful nuclear technology”, he said later, is of course defined as bringing energy resources to the citizenry…oh yeah, and wiping Israel off the planet because he’s a fucking lunatic.

Cities across the country are battling a massive influx of unwanted crows. To battle the problem, they’ve tried everything from loud fireworks to falcons to scare away the pesky birds. When asked to comment, the Bush administration offered this suggestion…build a wall in the sky to keep them out.

After an extensive probe, the British government has declared that Princess Diana died as a result of a tragic accident in Paris, not a plot to kill her. Leading the investigation were Lord John Stevens, the French police, and the Warren Commission.

A scary E. coli outbreak involving the Taco Bell chain unfortunately spread into six states. Before officials found the source of the problem, a spokesperson from the Kremlin said out of habit, “Our former KGB agents had nothing to do with this.”

With more Latino, African-American and Asian astronauts involved in the space program, NASA has become more diverse than it has ever been. They’re excited about the future, and they hope to gain more funding by having MTV use them to film a new Real World.

Two fifth-graders in New Jersey protested a new school uniform policy by wearing buttons featuring a photo of Hitler youth and the words “No School Uniform” underneath a diagonal red line. The kids were suspended, not for being offensive, but for not knowing that by crossing out their objection, they blatantly used a double negative.

Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter is pregnant after a successful artificial insemination. It was revealed that the sperm donor works for Halliburton, which raises the usual questions of cronyism. The White House explained he was the lowest bidder and was the only one who had contractors willing to do the work.

Donald Eckard is standing trial in Kentucky after stealing rare documents from the Filson Historical Society. Among the stolen items was an ominous chain letter that Abraham Lincoln forgot to forward on to 20 people. Hmmmm.

A man shopping in Oklahoma found a small bag of cocaine in a store’s toy section. After his son accidentally tasted it, he told police, “I think I know why reindeer can fly.”

Cuban officials told a US delegation that Fidel Castro is perfectly fine and healthy. When the White House heard this, they said, “If Americans really believe that, maybe they’ll buy the idea that the war in Iraq is going well.”

Many small online retailers are having a hard time meeting demand for sales this holiday season. One website that welcomes all your holiday orders…www.keithcomedy.com. What a great place to shop for CDs and other great merchandise. …. Okay, only CDs.

It’s still unknown why Chargers running back LaDainian Thomlinson wears a shield on his facemask, but rumor has it, he’s preparing for the chance to play against Terrell Owens.

Prince will perform at halftime of Super Bowl XLI. He’s expected to party like it’s MCMXCIX. (This joke is now part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute)

Major League Soccer’s Real Salt Lake sold advertising on their jerseys to XanGo, a nutritional juice drink. A XanGo spokesman said they wanted to increase their exposure in the U.S. So they chose to do so with…soccer? Really? Why not just buy ad space on the backside of televisions? (This joke is now part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute)

A South Carolina man was charged in the shooting death of Richard Johnson after losing a football wager. The judge has yet to declare a sentence, but he said the over/under is 45 years. (This joke is now part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute)

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