Writings

When boarding an airplane, it is now illegal to bring things like hair gel, teeth whitener, mascara, suntan lotion, moisturizer, and face cream. Come to think of it, Ryan Seacrest could be a terrorist.

In North Carolina, thousands of driver’s license photos were severely smudged because of a defective solution placed on them at the DMV. Most of the drivers who were affected have had their IDs replaced, while others have sold theirs to an underage drinker named Smudgy-Face McGee.

The International Astronomical Union is proposing that a planetary object beyond Pluto be counted among the solar system’s planets. While scientists debated its size and gravitational pull, they realized that their telescope was actually pointed at Star Jones’ house.

Five thousand people showed up to Dyersville, Iowa last week to play on the same baseball field that was created for the Kevin Costner movie Field of Dreams. The next day, they all went to Costner’s crapper, where he made The Postman.

The Home Shopping Network has announced that customers may now make purchases with their remote controls. Women everywhere are excited about buying stuff, then telling their husbands the charges were an accident, similar to what men say when weird movie titles appear on hotel bills.

Japanese researchers will try to use sperm from a frozen wooly mammoth to inseminate an elephant, which is the closest living relative. If successful, they will attempt the same procedure with frozen dinosaur sperm and their closest relative, Barbara Walters.

Britney Spears won a lawsuit against a British tabloid when reporters failed to verify their story that she was sleeping around on husband Kevin Federline. After the ordeal, she accepted the editor’s public apology. And then she fucked him.

A bank in Lima, OH was robbed last week by a 15-year-old girl. Although she wore a mask, bank officials knew she was a teenager when she demanded “like all the money, or whatever.”

Live broadcasts of Major League Baseball games may now be heard via cell phone. Finally, fans who use their cell phones and wave at the camera while sitting behind home plate can now hear radio announcers call them annoying douchebags on the air. We can only hope they take the hint.

Personal articles from Unabomber Ted Kaczynski’s Montana cabin will be sold online. Crime buffs are excited about buying these items, apparently oblivious to how freaked out their mailman will be when he sees that the return address on the shipment is Ted Kaczynski’s cabin!!!

America Online announced it is slashing 5,000 workers this month. The good news is that it’s actually only 2,500 workers, but AOL accidentally counted them twice, once for their real name, and once for the Americanized name they give themselves in a half-assed attempt to not sound Indian.

The journal Obesity recently reported that the number of overweight infants increased 7% over the past 20 years. Several experts claim these findings to be completely unfounded and questionable, which is something the parents of a fat baby would say.

A manager of a McDonald’s in Casper, Wyoming was caught stealing $4,000 from the restaurant’s safe. He’s expected to spend six months in jail, but for just 80 cents extra, prosecutors can supersize his sentence to nine months.

Fans attending Cincinnati Bengals games will be able to call a hotline to report bad or illegal behavior in the stadium. When making the call, fans will need to give a description of the criminal, or simply supply his jersey number.

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