Writings

Macon, Georgia recently celebrated the 10th annual festival that serves as an Olympic spoof, featuring events like bobbing for pig’s feet and toilet lid tossing. They call it the “Redneck Games.” Arkansas calls it “Tuesdays”.

Radio Shack announced that it named corporate makeover expert Julian Day as chief executive, hoping his expertise will boost its image among consumers. Day said he feels good about the job, but admitted it was a little weird when after the interview, the company asked for his zip code.

Three people were caught trying to sell a new Coca Cola recipe to Pepsi. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could stage their next plan: selling Dr. Pepper’s PhD thesis to Mr. Pibb.

Over 300 men who portray Santa Claus converged on Branson, MO for a convention on how to be more authentic in their roles. Among other topics, they discussed the importance of growing real beards, because children can become easily confused when appearances don’t match their expectations. Like, for example, when the kids in Branson, MO see that there are over 300 Santa Clauses.

The new film Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest raked in over $150 million in one weekend. That’s such a big payout, most Americans initially thought Jack Sparrow retired from Exxon.

Carl Fulton, a co-pilot for Southwest Airlines was arrested just minutes before takeoff on suspicion of operating under the influence of alcohol. Officials first became wary when they heard Fulton using the control tower to drunk dial flight attendants.

After the police chief in Dumfries, VA threw away nearly all the belongings of three homeless people, the town’s mayor ordered him to write an official letter of apology. Now comes the hard part: Where the hell do they mail it?

One of the missiles that North Korea tested on July 4 only stayed airborne for less than a minute. When asked to comment, Kim Jong Il’s wife simply said, “Figures.”

After North Korea’s missile test, China and Russia both questioned the need to punish the country with sanctions. Diplomats explained that with sanctions, they fear massive refugee migration, not to mention their much greater fear of Kim Jong Il using the sun’s rays through his gigantic glasses to burn them like ants.

Many South Koreans are offended by America’s contempt for North Korea dictator Kim Jong Il. Some compare their feelings to a family’s reaction if an outsider criticizes their deadbeat uncle, saying that although it may be true, it’s insulting when someone else says it. You know who I feel bad for? Kim Jong Il’s nephews. They have a psychopathic leader and a deadbeat uncle. They must really resent us.

Virginia’s only convicted witch has been pardoned 300 years after her execution. Way to be on the ball, Virginia! Next up on the docket…was that werewolf they shot in 1745 really a man?

Astronauts aboard Discovery used a massive robotic hand to work on the international space station. When word got out that the shuttle had big hands, female spacecraft started to pay more attention.

After it was reported that the National Security Agency compiled a database of phone call records, it was shown that BellSouth and Verizon actually never provided information to the government, claiming they will never participate in such a broad-reaching, intrusive operation. In other news, every terrorist cell in the country just switched to BellSouth and Verizon.

A replica of the Nina, one of the three ships that Christopher Columbus’ crew sailed to the New World, made a stop in Michigan. It’s just like the educational song says: “In 14-hundred 92, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And reached…….Michigan.”

A Dutch advertiser is selling ad space on prostitutes’ thighs and cleavage because they serve as highly visible areas for a certain male demographic. If all goes well, his company will try to reach the hooker demographic by printing ads on the back of a pimp’s hand.

A Connecticut woman lost her vision in one eye when her husband threw a carrot in it during a fight. He took away eyesight with a product that normally improves it. So in retaliation, she clipped his nuts off with an oyster shell.

French soccer player Zinedine Zidane has been criticized around the world for headbutting an Italian player in the chest in the closing minutes of the World Cup championship. It probably wasn’t the smartest move to make, but you have to give him credit for one thing…even in a fight, the guy refuses to use his hands. That’s serious commitment to a craft.

A man in Ohio was jailed after telling a judge he couldn’t serve jury duty because he was a heroin addict and a killer. Since a jury is comprised of peers, the man will be released to serve his jury time whenever the state somehow indicts Courtney Love.

Artist Skip Hunsaker sculpted a miniature model of Coos Bay, Oregon using nothing but cigarette boxes. The scale of the town is six inches for every Marlboro mile. “It took me fifteen years, but it was worth it,” Hunsaker said through a hole in his throat.

Comcast Cable fired an employee for sleeping on a customer’s couch during a house call. The employee promised to get revenge, sometime between 10 and 3 on Monday.

Film director M. Night Shyamalan confessed that on the set of “Lady in the Water” the cast and crew often cut up around the swimming pool setting, sometimes throwing each other in. A crewmember later admitted, “At first I was pissed, but then laughed a little at the idea, but later was angry again. No wait, I was thinking about when I saw The Village. What were we talking about again?”

In an effort to promote healthier eating practices among kids, certain Nickelodeon characters will be shown on select packages of fruits and vegetables. And to teach kids what bad habits can do, some junk food will feature the faces of some new characters: Spongebob Big Fatass Pants and Dora the Diabetic Explorer.

Leave a Reply