Writings

Authorities in Alaska are asking ExxonMobil for $92 million to clean up oil that still remains from the Valdez spill of 1989. If their request is shunned, the state is prepared to dress up as a retiring CEO and ask again.

A woman is suing Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt because she claims his dog attacked her as she jogged by his house. In his defense, Flynt said that his schnauzer simply didn’t understand the whole concept of Beaver Hunt. The woman is expected to get almost a million dollars in a settlement…two million if she agrees to make out with another chick.

Hundreds of students in Alaska competed at the statewide Native Youth Olympics. The most popular event was the stick pull, which is based on a strengthening exercise to prepare hunters for pulling walruses through water. I’m just an outsider, but I think once we get that Alaskan bridge to nowhere built, we should pony up some tax dollars to get those kids some gym equipment.

An in-depth report by USA Today revealed that many big-name athletes who break the law complete their community service requirements by simply making public appearances…sometimes just throwing out the first pitch at baseball games. To be fair, whenever they throw out the first pitch in Kansas City, they usually stick around and pitch a few innings for the Royals. And that’s a very big contribution.

A man whose actual name is Stanley Cup is getting tired of jokes about being named the same as a trophy. Also upset at his parents is Mr. Cup’s neighbor, a man named Best Attendance.

Some students and faculty at Gallaudet University, the nation’s only liberal arts college for the deaf, are protesting the choice of Jane Fernandes as president, claiming that she only learned to speak sign language when she was 23. Fernandes has tried to defend herself, but her arguments just fell on student ears.

Tough sanctions are being sought to punish people who pose as war heroes yet were never actually awarded any medals. A decorated veteran and spokesperson for the Congressional Medal of Honor Foundation said there are scores of scalawags out there who are nothing more than impostors. The FBI has announced that they will target these frauds, and that they will use a very accurate litmus test…how will they know if someone’s really a vet? If they still use the word “scalawag”. They’ll also accept whippersnapper, greenhorn, and piddledicker.

Now that ESPN is airing poker championships, a debate is brewing. Is playing cards a sport? With more and more people saying that it is, we can look forward to gym class across the country becoming even more pointless.

A recent study by the University of Pittsburgh found that nearly ten percent of fourth-graders across the country have started drinking. Psychologists first became suspicious of the trend when they heard that ugly fourth graders were having sex.

A Texas jury awarded $27.5 million to an Iranian-American woman who was arrested after she complained about poor service during a Southwest Airlines flight. The jury agreed that she was unfairly profiled and “treated with malice” in an overzealous post-9/11 environment. Some say the compensation was too much. Others say it wasn’t enough. I say if you really feel the need to complain about service, what are you flying Southwest for in the first place? Your seat cost about 80 bucks. Cramp your legs and shut your mouth before they raise their fares to pay for your silly lawsuit.

Wayne Gretzky, head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes, told the media that he doesn’t know if he’ll be back to head up the team another year. When pressed further, he said it was only an outside chance, to which his wife Janet Jones said, “Like what? Like 10-1? 15-1? I’ll take those odds. Where’s the phone?”

In an effort to ease concerns about the safety of rockfish from Chesapeake Bay, Governor Ehrlich joined watermen at his mansion for a rockfish tasting. He told everyone present that not only is rockfish safe, but delicious…more delicious than scissorfish but less delicious than paperfish. That’s just nature.

In a recent mathematics competition, Gaurav Rajav, a 15-year-old in Salem, VA, recited 8,784 digits of pi. He astounded teachers and peers alike, who all agreed that there was one kind of pie this guy will probably never see.

General Motors unveiled the latest attraction in Las Vegas, an off-road track that lets visitors drive Hummers on dirt mountains and through deep ditches. The cost is $10. For an extra $20, you can meet a real Hummer owner who always takes two spaces whenever he parks, and kick him in the nuts.

A new computer game called Left Behind: Eternal Forces focuses on the rapture and end times. Players may side with or against the Antichrist. With… or against the Antichrist? Did Matthew Broderick teach us nothing in War Games, people? When a computer asks if you want to play a game, it’s real!!! Either choose Tic-Tac-Toe, or play with the good guys.

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