Writings

Alice Tillinghast, a 102-year-old Red Sox fan, is slated to throw out the first pitch at Boston’s Fenway Park in late June. She told reporters that she attributes her long life to reading, prayer, and hardcore steroids.

Spencer Pickard, the federal air marshal who blew his cover by appearing on ABC’s 20/20, will no longer be allowed to fly. Pickard used his time on the popular news show to criticize his agency for policies he says make undercover officers easy to spot. You know what also makes them easy to spot? Being on national television, you jackass.

Racism is an ugly, glaring problem that surrounds many soccer matches, but if it continues, soccer has a very good chance of gaining fans in Arkansas.

Officials of the political campaign “Unity08″ want to give American voters a third party choice. They say they intend to introduce a candidate who is environmentally aware, militarily sensible, and fiscally responsible. Basically, someone who is a little bit Ross Perot, a bit John McCain, and a bit Ralph Nader. The party logo will be an image of someone’s goofy-looking, rich, war-hero uncle getting high.

Hasbro has announced it will update the game Monopoly. Instead of featuring the usual Atlantic City street names, the new “Monopoly Here and Now” will highlight what all of America is today. For example, instead of going directly to jail, players can now enjoy a long, tedious appeals process.

Senator Ted Stevens, the same guy who wanted the notorious $200 million bridge to nowhere built in Alaska, is drafting a bill to make gasoline price gouging a crime. This is the Capitol Hill version of Paris Hilton calling Nicole Richie a whore.

The Wendy’s restaurant chain has announced that it is dumping its old cooking oil and will now use a corn and soy oil containing almost no trans fats. When customers make their order, employees will now be required to ask, “Do you want gay fries with that?”

In an effort to get drivers to cut down on fuel usage, many states are considering dropping their interstate speed limit to 55 mph. The move, if adopted, will be sure to conserve resources, save lives, and unfortunately, force a comeback of that crappy Sammy Hagar song.

Father’s Day gave dads everywhere a chance to spend quality time with their kids, and pro athletes were no different. For example, Phil Mickelson and his daughters played putt-putt, and Barry Bonds and his son went fishing. It should be noted that by “putt-putt”, I mean miniature golf, and by “went fishing”, I mean injected designer steroids, dodged questions, and in general was a gigantic asshole.

Many hotels are using various aromas in their lobbies to comfort their customers. Scents used, like jasmine and apple pie, are meant to provide a sense of belonging, but it also helps calm people down once they realize that mini bar ain’t free.

A new study has found that 20% of college students handle stress by purposely cutting or burning themselves. It was also found that, coincidentally, 20% of college students have never tried marijuana.

Motorists in Utah voted to have the motto “Greatest Snow on Earth” on this year’s license plates. When they heard of the slogan, Colombian drug cartels reportedly said, “Wait a minute…we didn’t hear about no contest.”

Concerned about on-campus drinking, the University of Georgia will no longer refer to the annual football game against Florida as “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”. When the token smartass proposed that the game be called “The Lame-Ass, Alcohol-Free Football-Only Party”, officials at Utah and BYU said, “Whoa, whoa…we got dibs on that!”

Researchers in southern California have reported that the Quino butterfly is almost completely extinct. Environmentalists are upset about this, but not nearly as upset as another group…Quino caterpillars.

Mail service in Rowley, Iowa, was suspended temporarily due to mold and mildew that grew after rain leaked through the roof of the local post office. It was the first time a fungus affected mail delivery since Mailman Mike Hanburg ate some bad mushrooms, thought his truck was a dragon, and torched it on fire.

The critically acclaimed “Bodies” exhibit is headed to the Tropicana casino resort in Las Vegas. Casino reps say the traveling display, which shows real cadavers and internal organs, will do a great job of telling visitors what will happen to them if they’re caught counting cards on the premises.

Ford Motor Company is providing customers with an incentive program that gives new buyers a debit card of $1,000 good at gas stations nationwide. That’s good for about 330 gallons of regular unleaded, but I think we all know that some schmo out there is going home with 1,000 Powerball tickets.

The Michigan Senate voted 36-1 to approve legislation aimed at keeping steroids out of schools and locker rooms. The one dissenter was the very suspicious-looking Edward Syringehands.

Six people constructed the world’s tallest sand castle on the shores of Myrtle Beach, SC, after 130 dump trucks hauled in the needed material. Congratulations, guys…not just on the castle, but also on the fact that you’re the first people ever to actually bring sand to the beach. The record breakers topped off their day by looking a gift horse in the mouth and then pissing in the wind.

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