This time of year, kids throughout the northeast are counting the money they earned shoveling snow. But they better not rest during the offseason, because someday–next winter even–snow shoveling could be a sport on ESPN. And that’s when the big money pours in.

Let’s face it. As the “worldwide leader in sports” ESPN can define sport however they want. I think they should introduce a new triathlon featuring non-athletic events they broadcast. And no, I’m not talking about the Knicks.

Players start with ten minutes of eating hot dogs real fast (rough first leg, but nothing conquers the butterflies of competition like more nausea). Anyone still standing moves on to an intense poker tournament (Go luck!). Finally, those few warriors not too exhausted would push themselves through a grueling spelling bee (sometimes the i comes before e and sometimes it doesn’t–it’s that extreme). The winner of this trailblazing triathlon would be declared the world’s greatest fake athlete.

I realize that I sound like a grumpy old man. But you’ll get there too. Maybe soon, maybe later. Or it may be 20 years from now when you complain that the world snow shoveling champion is a total wuss for having to use salt.

Categories: Columns