The shopper in the “12 Days of Christmas” was a genius. All the gifts were purchased from either a weird bird lady or on craigslist. Yes, craigslist. Where else can you buy 12 drummers drumming or 9 ladies dancing?

By the way, the shopper in that song has to be a woman. Nine ladies dancin? That’s an item on a man’s wish list, not a woman’s. If it were a man shopping for his girlfriend, he evidently thought, “Ya know what, if she liked those milkin’ maids…she’s gonna LOVE her some dancing chicks!” If that’s the case, kudos to him for making it to Day 10 without a groin injury.

My point is…that shopper was brilliant because she got her gifts at places that were NOT in the mall. True, you can probably find pipers piping and geese-a-laying at any Wal-Mart, but I’m talking about things that are actually for sale at the store, not other shoppers and their family pets.

The mall and popular stores like Wal-Mart are of course not always bad, but whenever Black Friday rolls around, they somehow transform into a scene from Braveheart. It’s a very accurate analogy if you think about it: Starting a day or two before Thanksgiving, people camp out and review strategies. Then, just before midnight Friday, the alpha leader rides up and down the line on a Segway. (Picture a very lazy William Wallace). And she’s shouting, “They may take our decency; they may take our civility; but they will never take…OUR FIVE DOLLAR SAVINGS!”

In case you haven’t heard, this year’s Black Friday was the worst it has ever been in terms of violence and mayhem. In fact, for the first time in its history, one notable restaurant temporarily changed its name to “TGI Saturday”.

It was horrific in every way imaginable. Enough pepper spray was tossed around to make UC-Davis look like Mayberry. Some of the spraying came from cops, some came from citizens. Everyone, it turns out, was in the spirit of giving.

It’s comical that this behavior is even labeled “Christmas” shopping at all. Hearing shoppers like this say “Merry Christmas” is like hearing a Kardashian say “I do”. There’s no meaning behind it, and someone’s about to get hurt.

For example, a woman in L.A. used pepper spray on a group of bargain hunters in order to get first dibs on an Xbox system. Congratulations, Wal-Mart shoppers. You just got a live sneak preview of what the game “Modern Warfare 4” is gonna look like. Good thing she wasn’t going after “Battleship”. Our Navy would be at Def-Con 2 right now.

There was also a fight in Ohio. This one was over bath towels that were marked down to $1.88. I’m not kidding. If there’s such a thing as justice, whoever won that fight got home and discovered those towels once belonged to Ron Jeremy.

In Arizona, a grandfather was tackled after being falsely accused of shoplifting. In their defense, mall cops in Arizona may be overzealous and cranky in the hopes that Governor Brewer will promote them to Border Patrol.

How on Earth did we get this way? Well let’s back up for a minute and review the history. Black Friday is so called because it happens the day after Thanksgiving and serves as a time when retailers bring in sales to get “back in the black” on their books. But that’s if you believe the history books they give you in grade school.

The tradition of Black Friday actually started before the first Noel. For several days before Christmas, villagers crowded the Mall of Nazareth, mostly around Abercrombie & Ezekiel and Yankee Candle. There was pushing, shoving, some of King Herod’s men used mace. Bad tidings all around. The three wise men avoided the scene altogether but couldn’t get a WiFi signal to shop on Amazon. So they picked up some frankincense and myrrh on “Small Business Saturday”, then later got a bit of gold by calling G. Gordon “Levi” Liddy.

The preceding paragraph was quite the exaggeration, but if current Black Friday Crusaders keep up their antics, the story of Christmas may be altered to fit their agenda. That may sound preposterous, but it could happen. Just look at Valentine’s Day. Do you really think it started centuries ago with women getting chocolates and roses at the office to make other women jealous? Of course not. It started with nine ladies dancin.

Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays / Season’s Greetings / Happy Hanukkah
Be safe out there.