With the new debt ceiling bill, there will be $900 billion of cuts to government programs. According to Sarah Palin, that’s 1 billion for every state in the union.

The US credit rating went from AAA to AA+. It’s never good when your credit rating sounds like the future status of the New York Mets.

President Obama said that despite the new downgrade, the US is still a triple-A country. Mr. President, when you get to AA, the first thing to do is admit you have a problem.

Democrats say it’s unfair to think that President Obama could have seen this coming. After all, it’s not like the stock exchange is as easy to predict as the March Madness basketball tournament.

The rest of the world is laughing at US politics these days. In fact, leaders in Greece laughed so hard, bailout funds shot out their nose.

A California man is suing Hilton Hotels for charging him 75 cents for a newspaper he did not want. He’s suing for mental anguish. Not for having to spend 75 cents, but for seeing how depressing the news is.

A new iPhone app helps users find where the cheapest beer is sold. In other words, a new iPhone app helps users find their way away from Major League Baseball stadiums.

A Dunkin’ Donuts worker was arrested for selling sex acts to customers. Police knew something was wrong when customers were paying with money left on the dresser.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has released an exercise video starring himself. Like Jane Fonda needs another reason to like this guy.

The economy even hit the Tooth Fairy in the wallet. The average amount left under a pillow dropped 40 cents to $2.60 this year. To add insult to injury, Santa Claus is outsourcing his jobs to elves in India.

It was reported that fewer people are having “quickie weddings” in Las Vegas. Said Mormons, “What’s Las Vegas?” Said Catholics, “What’s a quickie wedding?”

Physicists in Hong Kong have found that time travel is impossible. “So much for Plan B,” said Barack Obama.

Prince William and new wife Kate have been spotted taking discount airlines to save money. What makes them more like normal citizens, however, is when they leave the Crown Jewels to pay for checked baggage.

There are once again rumors that Brett Favre may play another year, this time with Miami. If it happens, he’ll be the first person in history to move to Florida and actually refuse to retire. 

Brett Favre has such a hard time quitting, his next jersey should have the name “Winehouse” on the back. 

The owner of the Bengals said he won’t release Carson Palmer.  In layman’s terms….parole denied. 

It is reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are getting along. Apparently he wants to remake that new “Friends With Benefits” movie.

To help in a down economy, more colleges will sell beer at games this fall. Just in case Ohio State fans wanted one more reason to feel like they were at a professional football game.